Examining parent-child role reversal - parentification

Parentification occurs when a child takes on adult responsibilities for the parent, this can be emotional or physical, such as housework. The child will often lose out on 'normal' childhood events like sleepovers and parties to fulfil their responsibilities. Parentification can also be termed boundary dissolution - when the usual generational roles within the family break down.

How this affects the parentified child in adulthood

My client, Trish, grew up in a family where everything revolved around her mum. Her mother had mental health issues that impacted how she was able to care for Trish. When a parent is suffering from a mental or physical illness the child may find that there is role reversal. The child will give emotional support and take on age-inappropriate responsibilities and tasks.

This responsibility may include caring for younger siblings, giving constant reassurance to the parent, and helping the parent with day-to-day tasks like cooking, etc. Of course, a certain amount of helping around the house is normal in most families. It is when the caring role begins to impact the child and prevent them from having any childhood at all that it may have a mental health effect on the child. 

This is an indication that boundaries have been crossed into a child becoming parentified. Parentification is when a child finds themselves in the role of caretaker and this is what happened to Trish.

Trish found herself cooking dinner for her younger sibling and mum from the age of 12. She would do the shopping and help her younger brother with homework. On looking back Trish found that it was the emotional burden that took its toll on her.

“My mum would tell me about traumatic events that had happened to her when she was a child. I was still a young girl myself yet I tried to console her and would listen as best I could. Some of the things she told me gave me nightmares. I was in a state of constant fear outside of the house as she warned me against how cruel people could be.”

All of this had Trish feeling anxious throughout her childhood and into adulthood.  Trish first started therapy because her adult relationships had been impacted by her lack of boundaries. Consequently, Trish found that in her relationships she found that she took on too much responsibility and struggled to say no. At work, this had left her feeling burnt out and disrespected and in her romantic relationship, she often found herself taking on the role of carer and doing more than her fair share of everything.

When a child has taken on the role of caregiver to their parent they are often left feeling helpless, disempowered, and guilty for being unable to ‘fix’ their parent. This feeling stays with them long into adulthood. They may even believe that the problem is their fault somehow. This can carry through into adult relationships and they may feel responsible for ‘fixing’ any ruptures in relationships and are made to feel guilty if anything goes wrong. This can lead them to feeling anxious, and depressed and can impact their work.

Oftentimes, the parentified child in adulthood may feel that they have to be the ‘strong’ one and that asking for help from others is a sign of failure or weakness. They may feel that they have no one to rely upon as they didn’t ask for help or feel that they had anyone to rely on in childhood. This can lead to doing too much for people and feeling unable to say no when asked for help.

They may also come to identify as an emotionally strong person who helps all of their friends and this can feel like external validation. The problem with this is that this can only be maintained as long as they feel emotionally healthy. Since life throws many curveballs at us and we may become unwell physically or mentally this can shatter the identity as a strong and capable person and can lead to anxiety, depression, and for them to seek counselling.

After we explored Trish's childhood she became aware of how parentification had impacted her. I helped Trish to begin to set boundaries for herself. We looked at how she can begin to say no within her relationships with others and how this can lead to greater respect from others.

Oftentimes when we say yes but mean no the other person might be wondering whether we want to help or are simply trying to be kind. We are doing the other person a great favor by being honest about how we feel since they are not left second-guessing! Once Trish had reframed being able to say no in this way she realised that being honest was far easier in the long run.

A parentified child will often be self-critical and this can appear in various ways. They may become perfectionist about their work or their appearance. They will often be harsh towards themselves and their inner bully can be loud. Trish was critical about her body and felt that she was ‘fat and plain looking.’ She would judge herself for enjoying a piece of cake and would over-exercise. This is because she felt that she must be perfect in every way. We began to work on self-compassion and allowing herself to be ‘good enough.’ This took some time and I gently reminded her that this is a life’s work.

Trish also explored her relationship with her mother as it is in adulthood. I helped her to set boundaries in the relationship and slowly, over time, Trish was able to take back control of her life without the feelings of guilt.

Trish realised that she had never been responsible for her mum and that she would never be able to ‘fix’ her mum’s mental health issues. Letting go of this idea is often the hardest piece in this puzzle, especially if this belief is embedded into our core being. With time and self-compassion we can begin to learn to control and influence what we can and to let go of the things that we can’t.