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Ever feel like you're having the same relationship over and over?

Are you tired of your relationship? Do you ever feel you’re having the same one over and over with different people? Have you ever wondered why you repeat the same partner pattern with boyfriends, girlfriends, colleagues or friends? (This can apply anywhere).

You may tell yourself  “they are all the same, all men want is sex, all women want babies, everyone treats me badly, I must be inadequate….”. 

I would encourage you to take your past and look at it because you could learn to start a new pattern and move on. There is usually a theme - relationships start fun and friendly but before you know it, you feel unhappy. Why does this keep happening?

Relationships take two, we play a part and want to change ourself, but how? If we want to be treated differently we need to act differently, but what do we change?
 
Do you tell yourself “I can’t help who I meet” or “I’m going to draw up a tick list of preferred qualities”? You have a choice. The pattern you create defines the history of your relationship, your reality and is also a good way to predict your future. You may not like looking at the past, but it’s useful.
 
Patterns are hard to change but if we can’t see them they’re even harder. We play a part in choosing our mate, they are also active in choosing us, what goes wrong is in our thinking, our actions and our decisions. We are the one consistent partner in each of our relationship dilemmas and we are responsible for how we play our role.


 
Anyone who is trying to understand why their love life isn’t working too well needs to know if you do not want to be in the same dilemma next year, you need to spot that pattern and change it.
 
Our patterns start in childhood, often beginning with family troubles then as an adult one pursues the missing security, the feeling of acceptance or ‘love and attention’ but forgets to take care of oneself (as seen from the missing self-love in relationships). If nobody explained what happened all of those years ago your childish part still believes you’re at fault. So we continue the pattern, the negative beliefs continue, we carry on setting ourselves up to fail. The same relationship continues. 
 
They may still be whatever you think of them, but you chose that person. You don’t deserve their actions but we’re all responsible for our own. What BS do you allow?
 
If we don’t love ourselves enough, how do we ever expect anyone else to?  

Do you fear people will consider you arrogant if you stand your ground and tell your partner to get lost? Maybe you fear not having someone as convention teaches us we’re 'supposed' to. But you do have someone, me, myself, I. Maybe your sense of drama tells you the best way to deal with this is to walk away if it's not right, one can learn healthy communication. Or do you adjust and compromise your true self, by letting them into your life in the first place and then allowing them to F..* about?

Maybe the relationship started well, you enjoy the fun then wake up one day and have a vision - their days are numbered. They never stood a chance in the first place as something was wrong with your thinking. 

A lot of us are unhappy in our relationships but can’t decide:

  • Am I best on my own?
  • Should I stay in an unhappy relationship till I sort things out?
  • Can I survive if I break out?

I am happy to help you create your timeline, help you spot your patterns, your negative beliefs and find your choices of where to change.

Counselling Directory is not responsible for the articles published by members. The views expressed are those of the member who wrote the article.

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Central London SE1 & Muswell Hill N10

Written by Mary Mcilroy - Relationships Counsellor + anxiety specialist Online & in person

Central London SE1 & Muswell Hill N10

I am a registered counsellor with the BACP covering: London Bridge/The City of London and Muswell Hill/London N10. Although I help people mainly with issues of anxiety and depression, I cover many other areas. Throughout your sessions with me, you will be listened to with empathy while you feel and see change happen as anxiety melts away.

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