Stop choosing the wrong partners!

Our world's are made up of what happens inside ourselves and what happens outside ourselves. The problem is that although we often think we are dealing with the real world, we are in fact attending to our inner worlds.

The reason we don't know this is because there are times when we suffer from transference, projection and discount parts of what is real.


Is when we experience a person in a particular way, when in fact, we are replaying a previous relationship. You might say it's like seeing life through our own unique filter or overlaying our film over reality. These tend to be early life parental relationships. 


Is when we "think" we see a quality in someone else when in fact we are looking at a mirror of ourselves - we just don't know we are. This could be: Anger, fear, sadness, joy or any number of qualities.

We do this because there are some qualities we never learnt to accept in ourselves. Instead we attribute them to another person, when in fact they are ours. As a result, we experience situations and others incorrectly and others experience us differently to how we experience ourselves. 


From a very early age we learnt to discount (put out of site) what we couldn't tolerate as children. We literally don't notice some things or unintentionally reduce the importance of something, someone or ourselves. We may also look at a situation and see it very differently to someone else. As a result we often miss important information or can't tolerate looking at the detail or staying with uncertainty, in case we don't get the outcome we are telling ourselves we want.

When you do not have a deep enough understanding of yourself, you can easily react to your: Transference, projection and discounts without knowing. You genuinely believe you see reality and so you keep repeating the same mistakes.

The little professor

Then there is what we call the "little professor" who makes knowing ourselves even more difficult.

Simply put, we have subjective and objective thinking. Objective thinking is when we make decisions based on facts and evidence. Subjective thinking (the little professor) is when we make decisions based on our feelings. This is what we use to make decisions as a child before we fully developed. 

The problem is that sometimes the child part of ourselves is very powerful and we react to emotions instead of what is really happening. Yet we believe we are correctly seeing and assessing what is going on. This is an example of attending to our inner and not outer worlds.

Why do we do this? 

Because we don't yet know ourselves well enough and to some extent continue to react from and confuse the difference between our adult and child parts.

And if you as a child you had a tough time or your development was interrupted in some way, you may find your child part has too big a say in your world and which means it is often difficult to know or see for yourself.

So the better you know yourself, the less likely you are to make poor choices or repeat mistakes.

Reference: TA Today: Stuart and Joines 2012.   

Counselling Directory is not responsible for the articles published by members. The views expressed are those of the member who wrote the article.

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Caterham CR3 & Banstead SM7

Written by Paul Lipman

Caterham CR3 & Banstead SM7

If you would like to know more please feel free to contact me.

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