Childhood relational trauma: The impact of shame in adults

There are many effects of childhood relational trauma (CRT) in adults. Not only do we see classic psychological symptoms including dissociation and PTSD, but neurological research has shown how the part of the brain involved with 'self-sensing' and self-awareness can be impaired by early trauma. This links to our capacity to self-regulate, understand who we are in relation to others and develop a sense of agency.

A prevailing emotion that is seen time and time again with CRT sufferers is a deep-rooted sense of shame that underpins much of the mental health issues associated with CRT. It has a pervasive quality to it, causing a multitude of psychological and behavioural manifestations. Feelings of low self-worth, never being 'good enough', 'badness', anger and inferiority, are all common experiences for the individual.

These are more than passing states that come and go. They are part of the self in its entirety, having been tangibly felt and reinforced through repeated denigrating interactions in childhood. Consequently, shame is less a feeling per se and more a feature of the personality. When experienced, shame can activate trauma responses; fight, flight, freeze and fawn, making the individual hypervigilant and/or a 'people-pleaser'. It permeates all aspects of the individual and their relationships, both on an intrapersonal and interpersonal level.

Interestingly, adults and indeed adolescents, who have suffered from shaming relational trauma in their childhood, may appear externally competent and in control of themselves. However, there is an underlying fragility held within this external façade which is ever-present.

It is this fragile part of the self which dates back to the early years, when the individual was progressing through childhood developmental stages, completely reliant upon their caregivers. Here, the foundations for navigating the world were being laid via interactions with the environment and the people within it. As the child experiences repeated messages of who they are, how to behave and what to expect within the immediate environment, neuronal pruning and strengthening of neural pathways take place.

The brain becomes wired according to information from the world around it, thus forming a template of belief systems and ways to relate. The brain's structure physically adapts according to what is internalised from attachment figures. It makes sense in that case, that a negative sense of self, developed from the age of two onwards, will be a hardwired part of the adult's psychological makeup for years to come.

What is childhood relational trauma?

When we talk about childhood relational trauma, we are referring to an abusive, neglectful, chaotic, abandoning or engulfing relationship between a child and a key attachment figure/s. When chronic relational trauma takes place, it is over an extended period of time and is a regular occurrence in the child's life, ultimately impacting how they develop as an individual and their future relationships with others.

Importantly, the type of relational trauma resulting in shame doesn't always involve severe neglect or abuse by a caregiver. There may not have been parental separation (although, often this is the case), and the child or family may appear from the outside as a relatively 'normal' family. This objective presentation of the situation is misleading, however, as it is the child's subjective experience that results in psychological disturbances.

Emotional abuse in childhood relational trauma

Pete Walker talks extensively about sarcasm in parental relationships and the adverse impact this has on the child and future adult's self-worth and confidence. 'Humorous' sarcasm between equal adults is an accepted part of social discourse albeit one with an underlying notion of contempt. However, when there is a power divide, particularly between adult and child, sarcasm on a daily occurrence, moves into the realm of hostility. The confused child who does not have the comprehension to respond adequately is psychologically stunted and shut down. Its consequences compare to those of minimisation, criticism, belittling, silencing and verbal neglect.

Under the umbrella of emotional abuse, these interpersonal attacks lead to a continuous feeling of humiliation for the child; making them feel stupid, voiceless and irrelevant. Sadly, when an emerging identity is formed from such debasing interactions, the child grows into an adult who has a fear of being exposed and humiliated once again in future relationships. The effects can be catastrophic and may be present from early adolescence when self-identity is developing.

The core fragile self, alluded to earlier, is protected by psychological defences which aim to prevent any 'leakage' or exposure of the adult's vulnerability for others to witness and take advantage of. This may result in a false confidence which isn't genuinely felt by the individual. Likewise, isolation or relational sabotage may be resorted to in order to emotionally cut off others before feared ridicule and ultimately, abandonment, take place.

These defences are learnt behaviours, conditioned in childhood as a means to sustain psychological survival and ensure the child's needs are met. At the time they may have been effective but, in adulthood, are rendered unhelpful. For instance, a child who was continuously criticised when asserting themselves, ignored or had their opinions squandered through aggressive debates may, as an adult, have no belief in their abilities, be fearful of authority and constantly mould themselves to fit in. Consequently, the self is weakened and identity is fragmented due to self-adaptations.

Likewise, having to attend to parental emotional states or mental health issues often referred to as parentification, may result in an adult who places others' needs above their own. Often, high achievers might always be 'on the go', but never feel 'good enough' or satisfied, despite being highly accomplished. They are driven to achieve goals, seeking to better themselves at all costs but, once goals are achieved, they remain unsatiated. This form of doing distracts the mind from thinking, as a means to escape unmet needs and desires, and shame in one's own existence.

Relying on psychological defences to protect against shame creates conflict in the mind of two opposing camps; one in which the individual adapts to and appeases others, ultimately creating a ' false self'. At the same time, they may feel intense anger for continually minimising and repressing their own needs and spontaneous self-expression.

This anger is often unconscious if it had never been safe to express as a child. Anger may instead be internalised and repressed. Black-and-white thinking and split-off emotions, as described by Klein's (1946) 'paranoid-schizoid' position, is a helpful concept to draw upon. Anger in this state may be projected onto others or else redirected onto the self, leading to suicidal ideation, self-harm or dissociation.

Hope for therapy

Psychological defences that protect against vulnerability act as the mind's scaffolding. Therapy based on a trusting therapeutic relationship is respectful of the tenuousness of this defensive structure and is careful not to dislodge it too soon. Seeking therapy to bring together internal conflicts and make sense of past relational trauma helps the client to reframe old, unhelpful defences that no longer serve a purpose in current relationships.

Through psychoeducation, working through traumatic memories and rebuilding a new model of relating with the therapist, there is hope that playfulness, spontaneity and assertiveness can be reintroduced into the client's everyday interactions. Likewise, supporting the client in ways to sublimate their anger via healthy channels helps to discharge repressed aggressive energy and reconnect with the somatic and sensory self.

This freeing up of childhood trauma can be a liberating but difficult process for many. It is one however, that hopes to acknowledge and validate shame in the self and replace it with the self-worth and belief that was missing in childhood.

References

Dethiville, L. 'Donald W. Winnicott: A New Approach'. Karnac: 2014

Herman M. Medow, 'Neuroplasticity-Biology of Psychotherapy'. 2010

Likierman, M, 'Melanie Klein: Her Work in Context'. Bloomsbury: 2016

Van Der Kolk, B. 'The Body Keeps the Score. Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma'. Penguin: 2015.

Walker, P. 'The Tao of Fully Feeling. Harvesting Forgiveness Out of Blame'. Azure Coyote: 1995