Caring for loved ones: How can counselling help?

Are you a carer for someone? If so, how are you feeling right now? Are you feeling lost (you have had to give up your life/lost the person you once knew), drained, isolated, uncared for yourself, restricted, or financially insecure?

Maybe you were a carer, but now the person you loved and cared for has sadly died and you are grieving. Grieving the love and grieving the role you had carved out for you. Your purpose has gone with the death.

If I have spoken to you through the choice of some of the above words, it is because I have heard them from people like yourself. I have counselled people, such as yourself, who are termed, in society, as ‘informal carers.’

The importance of recognising yourself as a carer

Do you offer care to someone but feel you are not a carer as it is just part of caring for someone you love? Well, let me bust that myth; you are one! How do I know? Because I have counselled many people, like yourself, who say they are doing it out of love, and that is part of what loving someone is. 

I once had a client who was adamant that she was not a carer. She felt like a fraud for sitting in front of me until I reflected back to her all that she did. In the end, she admitted she was one. Once she admitted this to herself, she was able to open up about the feelings she was experiencing.

Carers Trust defines a carer as, “Anyone who cares, unpaid, for a friend or family member who due to illness, disability, a mental health problem or an addiction cannot cope without their support.” 

In 2023, Carers UK conducted an online survey of 11,667 carers and former carers, to ascertain the impact of caring on people’s health. Here is a summary of the findings:

• 82% of carers said the impact of caring on their physical and mental health would be a challenge over the coming year – an increase from 77% the previous year.
• A significant proportion of carers said their mental health has been affected by caring. Over three-quarters (79%) of carers feel stressed or anxious, half of carers (49%) feel depressed, and half of carers (50%) feel lonely.
• Nearly three-quarters (73%) said that they continued providing care even though they felt they were at breaking point.
• 39% of carers whose mental health was bad or very bad said they were not receiving any support for their mental health.
• Over a third of carers (36%) whose mental health was bad or very bad said they had thoughts related to self-harm or suicide.
• Over a quarter of carers (27%) said their mental health was bad or very bad.

Do these statistics relate to you? Or perhaps you contributed to that survey? 

As a counsellor who has supported such people, these figures do not totally surprise me, but they make me want to do more to help ‘informal carers.’

How counselling can help

If you are reading this, it is speaking to you, but you do not have access to a support group or Carers Centre, you may benefit from working with a counsellor.

People’s identity can be lost when caring long-term. Many people ask about how the cared-for is, but not the carer. Counselling will ask how you are. 

Caring for someone is stressful; counselling listens to that stress and will help you find ways to reduce it. A counsellor will listen to you, and allow you to express anger, sorrow, remorse, resentment, or any other emotion you might feel. Counselling centres around your emotional well-being. It will give you space to redefine who you are, process your grief or loss, and will give you time to concentrate on yourself and your situation. It will also enable you to explore options and find ways of coping.

The person you are caring for might not be the person they once were; counselling will help you process that loss. Caring for someone long-term might provoke anger, resentment, or jealousy. Counselling will enable you to hear, for yourself, the anguish, stress, pain, and sorrow of how you are actually feeling. 

If the person you have cared for has died, you have a double loss. Counselling will help you process that grief. 

I had a client who thoroughly enjoyed our sessions. She not only gained strength and grew as a person but used the sessions as time out. She would come smartly dressed, all made up, and described her counselling time as a chance to “be me.”

Reaching out for help is not a sign of weakness, but a demonstration of strength. It reflects your recognition that you're not currently at your best and shows your commitment to improving your mental and emotional well-being. This willingness to change is a powerful indicator of inner resilience.

You also have not failed in your present or past role. If you wish to seek help because of your willingness to be the best you are capable of being, it shows tenacity. Besides, if you are presently caring, you need to look after yourself in order to be able to fully look after the one you are caring for, don’t you?