Attachment theory in adult relationships and self-esteem

Our earliest relationships shape the way we relate to ourselves and others for the rest of our lives. According to attachment theory, the bonds we form with our caregivers in childhood create a blueprint for how we experience relationships in adulthood. Whether we feel secure, anxious, or avoidant in our interactions is often a reflection of these early attachments, and this can profoundly impact our self-esteem. Fortunately, therapy offers a path to healing these wounds, allowing individuals to build healthier relationships, both with others and within themselves.

Understanding attachment theory

Attachment theory, originally developed by John Bowlby and later expanded by Mary Ainsworth, focuses on the emotional bond between infants and their primary caregivers. When this bond is secure—meaning the child feels consistently safe, seen, and soothed— it fosters a sense of confidence and worth. However, when the attachment is insecure, the child may grow up with anxieties or avoidance tendencies in relationships, impacting how they view themselves and others.

In adult life, these attachment patterns often manifest as one of four attachment styles:

1. Secure attachment: Individuals feel comfortable with intimacy and independence, and confident in both themselves and their relationships.
2. Anxious attachment: People often worry about being abandoned or unloved, and they may feel insecure in their relationships, craving reassurance.
3. Avoidant attachment: These individuals tend to distance themselves emotionally, often feeling overwhelmed by intimacy and self-sufficient to a fault.
4. Disorganised attachment: A more complex and inconsistent attachment style, often linked to trauma, where individuals may fluctuate between seeking closeness and pushing others away.

These attachment styles can significantly influence adult relationships and self-esteem. If you find yourself constantly questioning your worth in relationships, feeling overly dependent, or withdrawing emotionally, attachment wounds from childhood may play a role.

How therapy can heal attachment wounds

Therapy is a powerful tool for understanding and healing attachment-related challenges. A skilled therapist can help you explore the root causes of your relational patterns and guide you towards healthier ways of connecting. The therapeutic relationship itself offers a secure space in which attachment wounds can be safely addressed, allowing for deep healing and transformation.

1. Therapeutic relating: Creating a safe space for healing

One of the most valuable aspects of therapy is the creation of a secure, trusting relationship between client and therapist. This bond, sometimes called the therapeutic alliance, is foundational to healing attachment wounds. Within this relationship, the therapist provides consistent care, empathy, and attention — mirroring the security of a healthy early attachment.

For many, the experience of being deeply heard, understood, and accepted in therapy can be life-changing. It offers a corrective experience where the nervous system learns to feel safe in relationships again. This safe relating helps the individual develop the ability to trust others, build emotional resilience, and navigate intimate connections without the overwhelming fear of rejection or abandonment.

2. Reshaping the nervous system: Rewiring through therapy

When we have experienced insecure attachment, our nervous system becomes wired for hypervigilance or withdrawal. These responses are our body’s way of protecting us from perceived threats in relationships. For example, an anxious person may become hyper-attuned to signs of abandonment, while an avoidant person may shut down to protect themselves from emotional intimacy.

Through therapy, the nervous system can be gently reshaped. Techniques such as mindfulness, grounding exercises, and body-oriented therapies help individuals regulate their emotional responses, creating a greater sense of calm and control in relationships. By working through attachment wounds in a therapeutic setting, clients learn to override automatic survival responses and develop healthier, more balanced reactions to intimacy.

The process is much like rewiring a faulty circuit — over time, with the right support, new patterns of relating are established, ones based on trust, security, and mutual respect rather than fear or avoidance.

3. Good relationships and self-esteem: Building a positive cycle

Healthy relationships are one of the biggest factors in developing and maintaining healthy self-esteem. When you feel secure in your connections with others, it reinforces your sense of self-worth. You believe you are lovable, valuable, and deserving of care. In turn, a positive self-image allows you to engage in relationships with more confidence and authenticity.

In contrast, when your relationships are marked by insecurity, anxiety, or avoidance, it can take a toll on your self-esteem. You may internalise these struggles, believing that you are the problem or that you’re not worthy of healthy love. Therapy can help break this cycle by supporting you in developing both self-compassion and more secure ways of relating to others.

4. Therapy’s role in developing secure attachments in adulthood

Through therapy, individuals can learn to cultivate secure attachments in adulthood, even if they didn’t experience them as children. Here are a few key ways therapy helps:

• Identifying unhealthy patterns: A therapist helps you recognise the attachment patterns that are playing out in your current relationships. This awareness is the first step in changing those patterns.
• Developing emotional regulation: Through therapeutic interventions, you’ll learn how to regulate your emotions, particularly in moments of relational stress. This helps prevent the overreactions or emotional shutdowns that can damage relationships.
• Reframing beliefs about yourself: Therapy helps you challenge the core beliefs that were formed during early attachment experiences—beliefs such as, “I’m not good enough,” or “I’m unlovable.” Replacing these with healthier, more supportive beliefs is key to building self-esteem.
• Learning to trust again: Therapy provides a safe environment where you can practice trusting another person. Over time, this helps you rebuild your capacity for trust in all of your relationships.

Actionable steps to begin healing attachment wounds

If attachment issues are affecting your relationships and self-esteem, there are steps you can take right now to start healing:

• Become aware of your attachment style: Reflect on your current relationships and how you tend to respond emotionally. Understanding your attachment style is the first step toward change.
• Seek therapy: If attachment wounds are deeply affecting your life, therapy can provide the support you need to heal and grow. Look for a therapist who is experienced in attachment-based approaches and trauma-informed care.
• Practice mindfulness and grounding techniques: These can help calm your nervous system in moments of relational stress, allowing you to respond from a place of security rather than fear or avoidance.
• Build self-compassion: Acknowledge that your attachment wounds are not your fault, and begin to treat yourself with the kindness and understanding you deserve.
• Strengthen your relationships: Surround yourself with supportive, loving people who reinforce your sense of worth. Positive relationships are key to developing a secure attachment in adulthood.

Moving forward: Building secure attachments and healthy self-esteem

Attachment theory shows us just how foundational our early relationships are to our sense of self and how we connect with others. But no matter what your attachment history, therapy offers a way to heal. By providing a secure and trusting relationship, therapy can reshape your nervous system, helping you develop new ways of relating that foster both emotional security and self-esteem.