5 ways your childhood trauma may be affecting your relationship

Childhood trauma has profound effects on adult relationships, shaping the way we trust, communicate and manage our emotions. So, it's essential to recognise the signs of trauma's influence on your relationships so you can start working on building healthy relationships instead of letting your past traumas take over all over again. By recognising the influence of past experiences on the way you behave today, you can start to work on creating healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

Please find below five ways your childhood trauma may be affecting your current relationship(s).

1. Trust issues

You may be in constant doubt about your partner's actions, interpreting delays or minor interactions as signs of infidelity. This may lead to intrusive behaviours, such as checking their phone or a craving for constant reassurance. Jealousy and possessiveness can also occur, causing you to feel threatened by all of your partner's interactions with others. You may also avoid being vulnerable, for fear of being hurt if you open up to your partner. Such problems usually stem from past betrayals or neglect.

2. Emotional regulation issues 

Childhood trauma affects emotional regulation in adult relationships. You may have intense or very unpredictable emotional reactions, sometimes with overwhelming anger or sadness, to relatively minor problems. For example, a minor disagreement may trigger an extreme reaction that makes it more difficult to manage the situation calmly. Such unpredictability can be unsettling for your partner and undermine communication. Addressing these challenges requires improving self-awareness, developing better coping strategies and, possibly, undergoing therapy to overcome underlying trauma and improve your own sense of well-being.

3. Attachment difficulties that interfere with the quality of the relationship

If you experienced a lack of consistency or a lack of care as a child, you may constantly be looking for comfort and be worried about being abandoned. This may lead you to become clingy and overly dependent in your relationship. In contrast, if you've been raised in an environment of emotional unavailability, you may struggle with intimacy and choose to keep a certain distance from your partner, thereby preventing you from fully connecting with them or from relying on them.

For some, early experiences of being afraid and unreliable care may manifest through unpredictable patterns of behaviour, which can alternate between seeking closeness and pulling away, thus causing confusion and instability within the relationship. These patterns can restrict your ability to form deep, trusting bonds and may lead to more severe reactions to relational stress.

4. Low self-esteem

If you've spent your childhood feeling unloved or criticised, you are more likely to feel that you're not worthy of love or attention, which in turn makes you doubt your partner's love for you. Such insecurity can lead you to:

• second-guess compliments
• constantly seek reassurance
• settle for less than you deserve

It may also make you doubt every positive experience because it feels 'too good to be true', which means that you are never fully present with your partner. You also avoid expressing your needs (i.e. struggling with setting boundaries!), for fear of rejection or because you feel that you have no right to ask for more, which can result in unfulfilled emotional needs.

5. Difficulty with empathy

If you grew up in an environment where feelings weren't really talked about or where you had to prioritise your own survival over understanding the feelings of others, you may find it difficult to empathise with your partner's experiences and feelings. This is because you perceive your partner as a threat in the moment of a disagreement, rather than as a team of two (or more!) people who have different experiences and opinions.

This can lead to a lack of emotional connection as you may struggle to relate to or validate your partner’s feelings. This emotional distance can hinder relational growth.

Recognising the ways in which childhood trauma impacts your relationships is the first step towards healing and building more meaningful connections. While these patterns can be challenging to overcome, it’s important to remember that change is possible with awareness, self-compassion, and the right support.

Whether through therapy, self-reflection, or open communication with your partner, you can learn to break free from past patterns and create healthier, more fulfilling relationships.