12 childhood beliefs shaping your life: Transactional analysis

We all live by rules, many of which are automatic and exist outside our conscious awareness. Some are societal, helping us navigate social situations appropriately, such as engaging in small talk. For example, when a colleague asks, “How are you?” they often expect the automatic response of, “Fine, thank you.” Even if you are experiencing deep sadness, you engage in this social dance, returning the question and expecting a similar surface-level response, deemed socially appropriate and polite.

These societal rules often allow us to function smoothly in society, though they can be exhausting and challenging, particularly for neurodivergent individuals (Lawson, 2020). However, beyond these societal expectations, deeper, more personal rules guide our behaviour, emotions, and self-perception. These rules, ingrained in us from childhood, are often communicated and reinforced by our caregivers.

As children, we depend entirely on adults for our survival, leading us to adopt their rules and conditions, sometimes at the expense of our autonomy. We view our caregivers as infallible, internalising their words and actions because our survival depends on them. Even if we sense something is wrong, we might suppress those doubts to maintain safety and security.

In transactional analysis, a model of psychotherapy, these personal rules are known as injunctions. These subconscious messages absorbed during childhood can profoundly impact how we navigate life as adults. Each of these injunctions starts with “Don’t,” and while they are usually unspoken, they are powerful in shaping how we think, feel, and behave.

Let’s explore the 12 key injunctions, how they might have been communicated to you as a child, and how they could be manifesting in your life today.

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1. Don’t be (don’t exist)

How this is communicated:

• Verbally: You may have heard statements like, “You were an accident,” or “If I didn’t have children, I’d have had a successful career.” Even well-meaning advice like, “Focus on school; don’t get pregnant like I did,” can send the message that your existence is a burden.
• Non-verbally: If you were frequently ignored, dismissed, or treated as invisible, the message may have been felt rather than spoken. Consistently overlooked needs or a lack of affection reinforce the belief that your existence is unimportant.

How this may manifest in your life today:

• Behaviourally: You might struggle to assert yourself, often feeling that your voice doesn’t matter. You may avoid situations where you might draw attention or go to great lengths to avoid inconveniencing others at the expense of your own needs.
• Physically: This could manifest in disordered eating, either by trying to become small and invisible through weight loss or, conversely, by gaining weight as a way to “disappear” under the societal radar. Research shows that societal fatphobia can lead some individuals to subconsciously believe that being overweight makes them less visible or less likely to be taken seriously, as overweight individuals are often perceived as less competent (Puhl & Heuer, 2009).
• Psychologically: You might experience chronic feelings of worthlessness, suicidal ideation, or the belief that your existence is a burden to others.

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2. Don’t grow up

How this is communicated:

• Verbally: Your parents may have used pet names like “my baby” even as you aged or expressed sadness or disapproval as you matured, saying things like, “You’re growing up too fast” or “I miss the old you.”
• Non-verbally: You may have been treated as younger than your age, with decisions made for you without your input, or smothered with affection in ways that felt infantilising. This could include pressure to maintain childhood interests long after they were relevant.

How this may manifest in your life today:

• Behaviourally: You might avoid responsibility, struggle with independence, or feel uncomfortable stepping into adult roles.
• Psychologically: You could experience anxiety about growing older, cling to childhood comforts, or avoid life milestones like moving out, finding a job, or starting a family. You may also self-sabotage relationships and goals when operating under this message (James & Jongeward, 1996).

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3. Don’t be a child

How this is communicated:

• Verbally: You might have been told to “grow up” or “stop being silly” when expressing joy or playfulness. Phrases like “Don’t act like a child” or “Stop with the childish nonsense” may have been used to shut down your natural, childlike impulses.
• Non-verbally: You could have been expected to take on adult responsibilities early, such as caring for siblings or emotionally supporting your parents, which is known as parentification. This injunction often results in children being burdened with adult-level stress (Hooper, 2007).

How this may manifest in your life today:

• Behaviourally: You might have difficulty relaxing, being playful, or engaging in spontaneous fun. You may feel compelled to be serious and responsible at all times. You may also feel uncomfortable around children, unable to relate to their freedom and playfulness.
• Psychologically: You may feel guilt or discomfort when engaging in activities seen as “childish,” like playing games, watching cartoons, or pursuing creative hobbies. Alternatively, you may cling to things that remind you of your childhood as a way to reclaim a lost part of yourself.

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4. Don’t be you

How this is communicated:

• Verbally: Your parents may have expressed disappointment that you weren’t the child they expected, possibly due to your gender or interests. Comments like, “Why can’t you be more like your brother?” or “Why would you be interested in that?” suggest that your authentic self is somehow unacceptable.
• Non-verbally: They may have given you gifts that reflected their preferences, not yours — like sports gear when you loved art — or they supported political or religious ideologies that conflicted with your identity.

How this may manifest in your life today:

• Behaviourally: You might suppress your true preferences and conform to what you think others expect of you, or you could struggle with self-expression and constantly second-guess your choices. Alternatively, you may express yourself in ways that are rebellious and nonconformist as a way of regaining control.
• Psychologically: This can lead to a fragmented sense of self, low self-esteem, or feelings of alienation from who you truly are.

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5. Don’t feel

How this is communicated:

• Verbally: You might have heard phrases like, “There’s nothing to cry about,” “Stop being so emotional,” or “Big boys/girls don’t cry.” Your emotions might have been dismissed with comments like, “It’s not that bad,” or “Did I give you something to cry about?”
• Non-verbally: When you expressed emotions, your parents might have changed the subject, walked away, or responded with indifference. Celebrations or achievements might have been downplayed, making you feel like your feelings—whether positive or negative—were unimportant.

How this may manifest in your life today:

• Behaviourally: You might suppress your emotions, fearing they’ll burden others. You could struggle with opening up to people, finding it hard to share both your joys and your struggles.
• Psychologically: You might carry guilt or shame about your emotions, worrying that you’re being too much or not enough. This could also manifest as emotional numbness, difficulty recognising your own feelings, or chronic anxiety about emotional expression.
• Physically: Repressed emotions often manifest physically, as the mind-body connection translates unresolved feelings into symptoms like chronic headaches, muscle tension, or persistent fatigue. These physical manifestations are the body’s way of expressing emotions that the mind has suppressed (Lumley et al., 2021).

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6. Don’t make it

How this is communicated:

• Verbally: You might have been told, “You’ll never amount to anything” or “People like us don’t get ahead.” Even subtler comments like, “Don’t get your hopes up” or “You’re dreaming too big” can imply that success is out of reach.
• Non-verbally: Your efforts may have been dismissed, your achievements ignored, or you might have been subtly discouraged from setting ambitious goals.

How this may manifest in your life today:

• Behaviourally: You may procrastinate, self-sabotage, or settle for less than you’re capable of. Success might feel uncomfortable or undeserved, leading you to avoid it.
• Psychologically: You could struggle with imposter syndrome, feel undeserving of success, or carry the belief that no matter what you do, you’ll never really make it (Clance & Imes, 1978).

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7. Don’t be important

How this is communicated:

• Verbally: Statements like, “You’re not that special,” or “Don’t think the world revolves around you,” send the message that your worth is minimal. More subtly, you might have been consistently reminded to “put others first” at the expense of your own needs.
• Non-verbally: Being consistently overlooked, having your opinions dismissed, or having your needs always take a backseat to others could communicate that you’re not important.

How this may manifest in your life today:

• Behaviourally: You might avoid the spotlight, downplay your achievements, or struggle to assert yourself in relationships or at work.
• Psychologically: You might experience chronic low self-worth, feel unworthy of attention, or have difficulty accepting that your needs and desires matter (McKay & Fanning, 2016).

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8. Don’t belong

How this is communicated:

• Verbally: Comments like, “You’re different from everyone else” or “You’ll never fit in” create a sense of exclusion. Being told, “We’re not like other families,” can also foster a feeling of not belonging.
• Non-verbally: You might have been excluded from family activities, or your parents may have subtly encouraged you to stay on the outside rather than integrate into groups.

How this may manifest in your life today:

• Behaviourally: You might isolate yourself, feel like an outsider in social groups, or avoid forming close relationships.
• Psychologically: You may feel chronic loneliness, have difficulty finding your place, or constantly feel like you’re on the fringes of society. As an adaptation, you may become hyper-independent, adopting a ‘me versus the world’ mindset (Barlow et al., 2014).

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9. Don’t think

How this is communicated:

• Verbally: You might have been told, “Stop overthinking it,” “Don’t be a know-it-all,” or “Just do as you’re told.” Such messages discourage critical thinking and promote compliance.
• Non-verbally: Your curiosity might have been stifled, your questions ignored, or your opinions dismissed without discussion.

How this may manifest in your life today:

• Behaviourally: You might defer to others, struggle with decision-making, or avoid thinking deeply about complex issues.
• Psychologically: You might lack confidence in your intellectual abilities, doubt your decisions, or avoid taking on challenges that require deep thought or independent judgment. This could also result in passivity, relying on others to make decisions for you, or experiencing anxiety when you need to think critically or creatively (Schaefer & Moos, 2006).

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10. Don’t be well/sane

How this is communicated:

• Verbally: You might have heard things like, “You’re just like your crazy uncle,” or “Mental illness runs in the family, so it’s only a matter of time.” These kinds of comments can set a precedent that mental health struggles are inevitable or even desirable as part of your identity.
• Non-verbally: Your caregivers might have modelled dysfunctional behaviour as normal or ignored signs of your mental or physical distress, dismissing them as unimportant or typical.

How this may manifest in your life today:

• Behaviourally: You might engage in self-destructive habits, neglect your health, or resist seeking help even when you know you need it. You could also find comfort in chaos or dysfunction because it feels familiar.
• Psychologically: You might fear being healthy or stable, questioning whether it will last. You may believe that wellness is unattainable or that you don’t deserve it. Alternatively, you may identify so strongly with being unwell that it feels safer to remain in that state (Miller, 2014).

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11. Don’t be close

How this is communicated:

• Verbally: You may have heard messages like, “Don’t trust anyone,” “People will always disappoint you,” or “Keep your distance; it’s safer that way.” These statements can create a deep fear of intimacy.
• Non-verbally: Emotional or physical distance from your caregivers, such as a lack of affection, avoidance of deep conversations, or an absence of warmth, can convey that closeness is dangerous or undesirable.

How this may manifest in your life today:

• Behaviourally: You might struggle with forming or maintaining close relationships, keeping others at arm’s length, or avoiding vulnerability. This could lead to superficial connections or a pattern of sabotaging relationships before they get too deep.
• Psychologically: You might experience chronic loneliness, fear of abandonment, or mistrust in others, believing that closeness will inevitably lead to pain or rejection (Siegel, 2012).

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12. Don’t be anything

How this is communicated:

• Verbally: You might have heard statements like, “You’re not good at anything,” “Stop showing off,” or “Don’t try to be something you’re not.” These comments diminish your sense of self-worth and discourage you from exploring your talents or pursuing your passions.
• Non-verbally: This could be communicated through consistent neglect or indifference towards your achievements, or through downplaying your successes. For instance, if you did something well, it might have been met with silence or a lack of acknowledgement, sending the message that your efforts don’t matter.

How this may manifest in your life today:

• Behaviourally: You might avoid setting goals, feel uncomfortable in situations where you could stand out, or hold yourself back from pursuing opportunities because you believe you’re not capable or deserving. This could also lead to chronic underachievement or a reluctance to take on challenges.
• Psychologically: You may struggle with low self-esteem, feeling as though you have no unique qualities or worth. There might be a pervasive belief that you’re not special or that any recognition you receive is unwarranted. This could result in feelings of inadequacy, a fear of failure, or a belief that you don’t have anything valuable to offer the world (Berne, 1964)

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These injunctions function as unseen patterns that can subtly influence your decisions, relationships, and self-perception. Rooted in childhood, these internalised messages —often conveyed by well-meaning but imperfect caregivers — might have once helped you navigate your early environment. However, as you mature, these rules can become restrictive, limiting your ability to live authentically and fully express yourself (Goulding & Goulding, 1976).

These injunctions can also dominate your life through active attempts to disprove them. While this may indicate a desire to reclaim your narrative, it can also manifest as rebellion aimed at proving your caregivers wrong — counterintuitively keeping your focus on them rather than on your growth. Understanding this fine line is crucial (Berne, 1964).

Recognising and understanding these injunctions is the first step toward freeing yourself from their influence. By becoming aware of the subconscious rules that guide you, you can begin to challenge and rewrite them, creating a life more aligned with your true desires, values, and potential.

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References

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