Why do women date men that are emotionally unavailable?
Often, women from dysfunctional families, whose father may have been emotionally unavailable or may have been abandoned by their fathers or mother, are more likely to attract spouses with the same characteristics.
People can be emotionally unavailable for many reasons, such as; drugs, alcohol abuse, working long hours, having large families, having parents who have had emotional issues from their childhood or mental health issues. Whatever the reason, when someone is emotionally unavailable within a relationship, it is hard work. It means that they are not emotionally connected to you. As such, that person can not meet your emotional needs, and you may find that you spend so much time investing in a relationship which is not reciprocal.
Furthermore, because you want your spouse to love you, you may start doing more to make him happy, or even seek approval and as a result of this, you may spend a lot of time over analysing the relationship. This will then become your main focus, which can be unhealthy, as it is an unconscious way of distracting yourself from your own growth. Generally, when you give or love too much, people will always want more. Therefore, when you find yourself giving too much within a relationship, you need to stop immediately, unless you want to become someone's doormat.
People who are emotionally unavailable tend to have narcissist behaviour, they are takers, and so you will also be the giver.
Have you ever been in a relationship, where, when a man makes you happy, you're really happy and when he makes you sad, you're really sad and cannot concentrate on anything else? This leads to anxiety, low self-esteem and could lead to having trust issues.
An emotionally unavailable spouse will not allow you to be relaxed within a relationship, you will be always guessing and feeling disconnected to that person. This will cause you to mistrust yourself, which will allow your spouse to control you, and not allow them to get attached to you because they may not be capable of making a commitment to you. A man can enjoy your company or having sex with you, but that doesn't mean he loves you.
Attracting men with a lot of emotional issues and secretly thinking that you can fix them, is another way of distracting yourself. Whatever the case may be, it is hard work.
When you truly love, respect and value yourself as someone special, you will not want to work hard for love. The fact that you're working hard means, you don't think you deserve the best, and may be addicted to the drama. So stop blaming others and take responsibility for your choices.
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About Kate Megase
I am a qualified counsellor and I specialise in issues associated with relationships, anxiety, depression and low self-esteem.