Counselling Directory
0
menumenu
Are you a counsellor? Log in Join us
Find a counsellor
  • Home
  • What's worrying you?
  • Getting help
    • What is counselling?
    • Types of therapy
    • FAQs
    • Find a counsellor or psychotherapist
    • Worried about someone else?
    • Not sure where to start?
    • Self-care
  • Articles
  • Events
  • Facts & Figures
  • News & Stories
    • Recent news
    • Your stories
Log inJoin us
Saved profiles (0)
  • Home>
  • Expert articles>
  • True self - False self

True self - False self

Written by listed counsellor/psychotherapist: Judith Schuepfer-Griffin Registered MBACP, BA Hons

1st September, 20140 Comments

Judith Schuepfer-Griffin Registered MBACP, BA Hons

We all have to find a way to live in this world. For that we have to adapt to what's generally acceptable and we all do this to a lesser or greater degree. This adaption starts from the minute we are born. We need our parents or caregivers in order to survive; we are totally dependent on them and we learn very quickly how to be so that we get the attention we need - in all its forms.

Children who don't get enough attention - or not the right kind - can become very difficult in the perception of the parents. The purpose of being difficult is, at least to get some negative attention which is still better than no attention at all. Other children close down and become self-sufficient very early on. They are often seen as "independent", as if they don't need much attention. In most cases this is not what the child experiences; it's just less painful to seem independent than having to fight for attention all the time.

If we are really lucky we have parents who will let us be and become who we are by nature. They will look after us and make us feel safe and loved, and they will be strong and clear and warm and also give us clear boundaries which make a child feel safe. They will be like good gardeners: they will let the plant grow, water and feed it and protect it from danger. They will wait and see who we are and let us be that. They will not try to force us into a mould, prune and cut and try to make us into a bonsai. They will offer guidance but will let us grow to full size. They will not extinguish our excitement, our enthusiasm and curiosity, they will not crush our little hearts that are bursting with love. Then we will be able to be our true self.

If we have to develop a false self by over-adapting or over-rebelling, then we will get to adulthood without knowing who we are and what we want and need. Most likely we will then marry another false self and... let the battle begin! Two people who don't know who they really are, who try to "be normal" and fit in too much will be an unhappy couple indeed, be that in a dramatic way by fighting and shouting a lot, or by suffering in silence until they can't take it anymore, or until the day they die, bitter and disappointed in life. But it's never too late to discover your true self! It's still there, maybe in a dark corner of your soul, waiting for you to come and find it, so that you can heal and become whole.

Related articles from our experts

Andrew Harvey Counsellor & Therapist, In Nottingham
From addiction to recovery

Andrew Harvey Counsellor & Therapist, In Nottingham

April 16th, 2018
Carrie Munday - MBACP (Registered Member)
Failure - friend not foe

Carrie Munday - MBACP (Registered Member)

April 16th, 2018
Dahlian Kirby
How to be counselled - a beginners guide

Dahlian Kirby

April 7th, 2018
Can a relationship survive without intimacy?

Keeley Townsend BA (Hons), Ad.Dip.CP with Distinction, MNCS (Acc)

December 14th, 2009
Imi Lo: Psychotherapist, Art Therapist & Author (MMH,UKCP,HCPC,FRSA,MBPsS)
Why do I feel nothing? Emptiness and borderline personality

Imi Lo: Psychotherapist, Art Therapist & Author (MMH,UKCP,HCPC,FRSA,MBPsS)

March 29th, 2015
Andrea Harrn Psychotherapist and Author of The Mood Cards
What is Passive Aggressive Behaviour?

Andrea Harrn Psychotherapist and Author of The Mood Cards

May 13th, 2011

Counselling Directory is not responsible for the articles published by members. The views expressed are those of the member who wrote the article.

Share on: Facebook Twitter Google+ LinkedIn
Find a counsellor or psychotherapist near you
Select multiple
Advanced search

print this pagePrint this page

Get involved Connect with us, we're social.
Facebook
Twitter
YouTube
More information
  • About us
  • Recommend us
  • Legal terms
  • Privacy/Cookies
  • Browse by region
  • Press centre
  • Find a supervisor
  • Links
  • Site map
  • Site help

Contact us

  • Counselling Directory, Building 3
  • Riverside Way, Camberley
  • Surrey, GU15 3YL
  • Membership Services Team:
    0333 325 2500 *
  • Contact us
Copyright © 2018 site by Memiah Limited

* Calls to 03 numbers cost the same as calling an 01 or 02 number and
count towards any inclusive minutes in the same way as 01 and 02 calls.

Healthy ideas that change the world

Get our free monthly e-magazine straight to your inbox

Find out more at happiful.com