Relationship problems

Silent divorce: When you're still together but have drifted apart

This article was written by a former member of Counselling Directory.

Published on 6th March, 2014 | Updated on 24th June, 2022

Do you feel distant from your partner? Arguments and conflict aren’t the only cause of break-ups in relationships. Drifting apart so that you become indifferent to each other and lose that spark can lead to loneliness, and it can be just as destructive in the end. Here, we'll explore how to tackle silence in a relationship and improve communication.

What is a silent divorce?

The term ‘silent divorce’ refers to a state where there isn’t obvious conflict, but nor is there much of anything else going on in a relationship. It is not sustainable in the long term. Little by little you lose a sense of togetherness. And you may not even realise it is happening; the busyness of life very easily gets in the way of being a couple if you don’t prioritise your relationship.

Ask yourself these questions:

Is your partner a priority when it comes to spending your time? Or do you take them for granted?
When was the last time you sat down together and really talked about how you both are feeling? Not about what happened with other people at work or practical things about the house, but really connecting with each other and talking about what is going inside you - your thoughts, your worries.
Does your partner know what things are concerning you right now? And do you know what these things are for your partner?
Do you look forward to seeing your partner at the end of the day?
Looking back over the last fortnight, how much time have you spent with your partner enjoying yourselves (don’t include watching TV or films or video games)?

Can silence be healthy in a relationship?

While being comfortable with silence between you can be a sign of intimacy, when you have nothing to say to each other for long periods, it may indicate you have grown apart. Drifting apart might not feel as obviously bad as fighting does, but it can leave people feeling like they are sharing a house but are not really 'together' in any meaningful or intimate way.

My heart sinks when I see a couple in a restaurant sitting silently with nothing to say to each other, sometimes both on their phones.

How can we reconnect?

The simple answer is to spend more time together. Spend more time talking. More time having fun. More time supporting each other.

And, if you don’t know what to say to get the ball rolling, there are two simple approaches:

Ask them about themselves - how they are doing, what they think, what they want from life, what is most important to them - anything.
Tell them about you - what you are thinking and feeling, your hopes, your worries etc.

It's important not to get complacent, particularly in long-term relationships. It's said that couples who have been together a long time don’t know each other as well as couples who have only been together a short while. The theory is that, when you have been in a relationship for a longer period, you don’t try as hard because you don’t feel anxious about losing them (perhaps to competitors). So, you assume you know what the other person thinks because you know them. So, prioritise curiosity with your partner.

How can therapy help?

A healthy relationship shouldn't get to a stage when there is nothing left to say to each other. If you find that you or your partner are reluctant to spend time together and talk or find excuses, perhaps it's time to see a relationship counsellor.

Couples therapy could help you both to improve your communication. Or you may decide to seek counselling individually - to work on identifying what you need from your relationship.

Further resources to help you improve communication in your relationship:

The views expressed in this article are those of the author. All articles published on Counselling Directory are reviewed by our editorial team.