Sex Education: Falling In or Falling Down?
24th October, 2010
Everyone seems to equate falling in love to the very essence of that life giving essence. Oxygen.
Why is that I wonder?
What I’ve discovered is that breath and breathing is the key to love and loving. Get this right and you’ll be experiencing the pleasures of life in a totally new way.
But, that aside for the moment, what is it that makes us ‘fall in love’ with someone?
Falling in love goes way beyond the intimate physical entertainment we can, and do, frequently provide for each other. What I don’t understand is why have we made it all so complicated and embarrassing and bad?
It's good to be able to explore the physical motions of the body. But, are ‘two bodies synchronising’ all there is to it? What is it about the way someone looks at you? Why does the tone of their voice or choice of words that are presented to you make you want to mingle willingly without thought of the consequences?
The actual act of ‘falling’ is to lose control - to trip up and to hurt yourself. By that I’m saying that falling ‘in’ to something (other than love), means that there must be a crevice or a hole which we find ourselves slumped in. And, after having fallen into this ditch against your will or purpose or intention, it’s terribly difficult to scramble out of it.
Thoughts that cross my mind when I fall under the magical spell of all the wonderful sensations, are:
“Is this really happening to me?” and “I’m out of control here” or “What is it about this person that makes me feel this way?” and even, “Oh God, again?”
When I first experienced the sensations of ‘falling in love’ I didn’t think much beyond the immediate sensations I felt for that person. By the fourth time of falling in love, I was able to recognise the ‘symptoms’ and observe them for what they were - and to take pleasure in them for the time that I knew they would last.
When that uplifting awareness that satisfies my soul begins to take its manic hold on me, a tingle inside makes every day come alive and (yes) takes my breath away. My heart gets tickled each time a thought breezes through my mind about the person that has captured it.
My stupid brain can’t work out why the fire in my belly is putting a permanent silly smile on my face - it seems to the world that I have a coat-hanger in my mouth! It feels as though the floodgates of heaven have opened so wide that my heart is ready to burst.
Nothing, yet everything, seems to make sense. My imagination takes me to places I never thought possible. I don’t feel a need to touch the object of my desire, but nothing can stop me doing so.
Falling in love, for me, is like feeling champagne bubbles under my skin, sensing them making their way up through the cells in my body up and out to my partner, through my bedroom and into my daily life. From this, I can begin to experience intense pleasure.
Falling in love with a man means that I fall in love with every moment.
How does this happen? How do I allow it to happen? How do I stop it? Heck, why would I want to stop it?
There seems to be an innocent honesty while on my journey to self-discovery. Through being in love with who I deem to be my best friend, my playmate, my confidant, my caretaker and my lover, I can feel deep inside my body sensations that I’m wild and free to explore whatever avenue lays before me. Everything seems possible and ultimate happiness appears to be defined through one person’s adoration and appreciation of my very being.
The truth and trust that usually takes time to mature in my friendships with people are almost immediate when I fall in love with someone. Separate wills, conflicts and controlling manners tend to be set aside when I combine my deeds with another.
But surely this can’t be what falling in love with another person is all about?
When I consider it logically (as my mind is apt to do), usually, these sensations last for about six months. That’s natural. Nature designed it to be that way to get people to procreate. Hormones go wild so that the furtherance of the species can be maintained.
These feelings are only repressed in people because they’ve been hurt or embarrassed or belittled. And when they do feel them again, they begin to doubt them. Fear sets in. Clingy behaviour leads to jealousy, a fear of betrayal from patterns of the past begin to take their ugly hold.
Falling in love wipes all that out, for me.
I wake every morning and look at the sun peeking through my curtains and say a silent thank you for such a beautiful view as well as being able to fully appreciate the view of the man laying beside me. When I look at the shape of his ears, the curve of his throat, feel the hair on his head, I am grateful for the beauty in those images. He’s a whole other life that has been created for my pleasure.
When I’m in love, its as though that person is speaking to me on a ‘soul’ level. Of course, I don’t fool myself into believing I have found my ‘soul’ mate – I know it takes time, patience and (at times) bloody awful perseverance to build up an intimate relationship with someone.
Though there are times when I don’t feel afraid to say anything to that person. I feel at one with them and happy enough to express my emotions in words that will be understood. At other times, I’m scared shitless – “Just say if he says I’m an idiot, or a clown or a blood-sucking viper of a woman who he doesn’t want to know anymore?” What would I do then?
I would suffocate (back to the breath again!). The air would become toxic and poisonous to me and I would feel as though my very being were dying.
But then, falling in love for me is about not being afraid.
It’s a deep sense of harmony – like a warm blanket of love being wrapped around you. It’s like a gentle embrace and a feeling of total acceptance by a whole other living, seeing, hearing, breathing being.
This sense of ‘duality’ is natural. It’s part of the bigger picture that helps me to learn about life and living. When I fall in love, I experience the opposites in an intensity that knows no bounds. I get confused yet everything becomes clear, I feel passionate and purposeful, yet I have a sense of calmness and stillness about me.
Often I feel powerless and paralysed and then other times I feel so trusting in what is being presented to me and strong enough to make decisions. It’s like I embark on a journey of self-discovery – both good and bad experiences are thrown at me and I have to learn to balance the two.
Oddly enough as I’m going through these sensations, these intense experiences, I learn to forgive. I begin to understand it just isn’t possible or practical to change another person’s point of view or to make them love me if they don’t. Where is the use in making someone do that? Love, for me, should come from a place of freedom, a place of willingness and a place of trust.
I can feel all I want for a person, but they don’t have to reciprocate. In this way, I have strength enough to let them go. They have their own free will – it’s not up to me to obligate them to stay with me. That’s only my ego being dented and wounded through rejection.
Out of a possible rejection of what love is for me, I learn to accept and let go of past hurts. That allows me to focus on the ‘now’ moment. All the unpleasantness of the world and the feelings I have inside tell me to notice all that is going on and it inspires me to do something about it. To take action.
For if I can go on such an emotional roller-coaster of a ride in the act of falling in love – surely that means that I am able to deal with other life challenges?
So is this the secret to the experience of falling in love? Is the actual act of falling in love made to make us feel intense sensations only to help us face the fact that life is still under our control -while feeling so at odds with it?
Out of the challenges that we face through the emotional turmoil going on inside our very being, is it fair to assume that we are to learn to trust and desire the good out of life? To remain hopeful in all things? To understand that whatever you feel inside, you know that good does prevail? For, without the hope of good coming from a situation, surely we only become victims of doubt and despair?
Therefore, am I right in assuming that the act of falling in love is made to help us realise we remain in decisive control while being overwhelmed by the grip of surrender?
Who knows? All I know is ‘who gives a s**t about all that rubbish when it makes you feel so darned grrrrrreat!
Related articles from our experts
Dahlian KirbyApril 7th, 2018
Marissa Walter Dip Therapeutic Counselling, MBACP (Reg) NCS (Accred Reg)April 5th, 2018
Keeley Townsend BA (Hons), Ad.Dip.CP with Distinction, MNCS (Acc)December 14th, 2009
Imi Lo: Psychotherapist, Art Therapist & Author (MMH,UKCP,HCPC,FRSA,MBPsS)March 29th, 2015
Counselling Directory is not responsible for the articles published by members. The views expressed are those of the member who wrote the article.