I Feel Like the Spare Wheel

Written by listed counsellor/psychotherapist: Carmen Von Haenisch BA (Hons) Counselling , MBACP (Snr.Accred) Supervisor

11th June, 2010

Triangulation, a concept coined by Dr. Murray Bowen and used widely in therapy is the “process whereby a two-party relationship that is experiencing great intensity will naturally involve a third party to reduce anxiety” (Bobes & Rothman, 2002). So instead of keeping the focus on the two individuals and face the potential conflict, the attention and energy is shifted to a third party - person or object. This third party doesn’t have to be another person like e.g. a lover in an affair, it can also be an issue like the next holiday destination, or a substance like alcohol; anything really that shifts the focus away from the relationship thus reducing the tension. It can also serve as protection “against excessive intimacy by removing opportunities for one-on-one encounters” (Solomon, 1992) because intimacy brings up anxieties around abandonment versus autonomy. Depending on attachment style and narcissistic injuries human beings are more or less comfortable in close relationships. Triangulation can also serve as a way to bring back excitement into a relationship in affairs one partner often looks for the excitement that has left the relationship - or in order to avoid separation from the family of origin. A typical example would be a relationship in which the mother of one of the partners would be encouraged to constantly be present either in person or on the phone and thus drawn into the couple’s life.

The triangle would often draw in the most vulnerable other person available in the environment. “Many couples are aware of the discomfort triangular situations may cause their relationship, but are uncertain as to what, if anything, can be done” (Crowe & Ridley 2000). Some of the problems triangulation can cause are loss of sleep, appetite, concentration and the sense of self worth (particularly when the other partner is having an affair), jealousy, guilt, depression, rivalry and the urge for revenge. Detriangulation can be used in Transpersonal Therapy to facilitate differentiation. Initially the therapist might be welcomed as the third point of the triangle and her/his job is to raise awareness of the process and explain the function of the triangulation to the partners. By encouraging both clients to approach their presenting issue from the “I” perspective (e.g. I feel left out when... or I feel hurt when...) rather than blaming (“you always...or...your mother always...) individuals can be provided with “experiences of self worth, clarity and compassion, personal responsibility and unity consciousness” (Andrande, 1988). Another intervention might be to draw clearer boundaries around the couple’s relationship. This can be supported by exploring what the two members of the couple have in common and what drew them together at the beginning of their relationship. Once the couple has explored what their relationship used to be based on they can continue to look at the changes that have occurred over time and what might have gone missing (e.g. a sense of closeness or intimacy). When the focus has been brought back to the relationship it might be possible to explore the positive function of the triangle for the relationship, e.g. highlighting what is missing in the relationship or indeed how the triangle might be protecting the couple from facing difficult feelings (e.g. discord or disappointment). This can lead to an exploration how the positive elements of the triangle can be brought back into the couple’s relationship, e.g. how the support one partner gets form his mother might be substituted by support from the partner.

If the triangle can’t (e.g. if children are involved) or won’t be given up the partners can explore in the safety of the therapeutic relationship what needs to change in the relationship to enable distance to the third party and to find an agreement what constitutes for both parties an “acceptable relationship with the third Party” (Crowe & Ridley 2000).

Last but not least it might be necessary for the therapist to facilitate a grieving process if the change of the triangle is experienced as a loss (e.g. giving up an affair or “losing” the wife to the new born baby). In all this therapeutic work it is very important that the therapist is aware of her own values in order to be able to facilitate the couple to focus on the needs of the relationship rather than putting the blame on each other or claiming moral superiority.

Andrade, P.Y. (1988). Family of origin: A land of opportunity for Transpersonal Therapy, [Online]. Psychosynthesis Resources. Available from http://www.psychosynthesisresources.com/NieuweBestanden/familyoforigin.pdf [Accessed: 6 May 2010].
Bobes, T. and Rothman, B. (2002). Doing couple therapy. W.E. Norton & Company, New York, London.
Crowe, M. and Ridley, J. (2000). Therapy with couples. 2nd ed. Blackwell Science: Oxford.
Solomon, M.F. (1992). Narcissism and intimacy. W.W. Norton & Co, Inc., New York.