How to not lose yourself in your relationships
Written by listed counsellor/psychotherapist: Kate Megase MBACP, Registered and Accredited
31st January, 20180 Comments
Being in love feels good, but always avoid losing yourself in another person. No one wants to be hurt within a relationship but every relationship we pursue is a risk, as you can never control another person’s behaviour or actions.
What is self-discovery? Most people would think that this is a strange question, as generally, people are more interested in learning about the behaviour of others rather than themselves. Unfortunately, many people lack self-identity and often build their esteem in their relationships, careers, financial status, or their appearance. Some of these individuals spend the majority or part of their lives looking for answers or acceptance but take very little time to understand themselves.
Learn to be more self-contained by following the tips below. Knowledge is power but always remember, knowledge without action is useless. Are you treating yourself in the same negative ways that your parents treated you when you were little? Are you punishing yourself the same way your parents did? If this is the case then it's time to end the negative cycle. You are now the adult in your life so learn to comfort yourself, even if your parents didn’t know how to.
The past has no power over you and there is more power in the present moment.
How to rediscover your true self
Make a happy list
Make a list of things that you enjoy doing that makes you happy. It is essential to ensure that you participate in these hobbies on a regular basis. For instance, if you enjoy going to the gym, try and set aside regular days to go on a weekly basis to establish a regular routine.
Be honest with yourself
Write a list of all the different areas of your life including work, family, friends, hobbies, and relationships. Rate the amount of time that you invest in each area, from a scale of 0% to 100%. 100% is the most you could invest in each area and 0% is the least. Once you have established how much time you invest in each area, write down how much time you invest in your relationship with yourself. If you discover that the score is higher in other areas, then this is an indication that you have been giving very little to yourself. The main incentive is to ensure that you give the very best to yourself in order to give the best to others. For instance, it’s no point committing 100% to your job and committing just 10% to your self.
Make positive friends
It’s mandatory to have friends but more importantly, it’s more effective when your friends are positive friends. Positive people motivate, support and encourage you, particularly when you need emotional support or encouragement the most. On the other hand, negative people often celebrate the downfall of others. Consequently, they could project their negativity into you, which could make you feel worse about yourself or others. In addition, there are health benefits in relation to being positive or positive thinking; it could lower rates of depression, anxiety, and stress. The truth is, you attract people who are most like you. So the key is, if you want positive friends then you have to begin to be more positive yourself.
Become more self-reliant
It’s important to have a good support network of people in your life. However, it is also very important to draw strength from within and acknowledge your own personal power.
Here are 7 basic ways to become more self-reliant:
- Accept responsibility for your own life choices
- Make your own decisions - whether they're good or bad. Indecisiveness is the root cause of low self-esteem
- Learn more practical skills - the more practical skills you acquire, the more fulfilling your life would be
- Look after your body
- Recognise and accept your feelings
- Find healthier ways to express negative emotions
- Stop comparing yourself to others.
Get professional help when needed
Ensure that you get professional help if you have underlying issues that could be getting in the way of your best self. It is healthy to get help and support to deal with any negative issues with a professional, in a confidential and private space as opposed to trying to be emotionally dependent on someone to fix or save you. The only person that can help you be the best you can be is yourself, period.
About the author
I am a counsellor, coach and motivational speaker. I specialise in issues associated with relationships, anxiety, depression and low self-esteem.
Related articles from our experts
- 3 in a relationship: couples and their past
Cinzia Altobelli (MSc RGN UKCP reg Psychotherapist/Counsellor & Supervisor)12th June, 2018
- Infidelity: how to rebuild trust after betrayal
Chloe Goddard McLoughlin (Reg BACP, BA, Ad Dip, Dip) Counsellor/Psychotherapist12th June, 2018
- How to recognise a narcissist before it’s too late
Debbie Fletcher Dip Integrative Counselling Reg MBACP11th June, 2018
Counselling Directory is not responsible for the articles published by members. The views expressed are those of the member who wrote the article.