Are you choosing wrong partners?
Written by listed counsellor/psychotherapist: The Personal Growth And Development Centre
1st December, 20170 Comments
Choosing a lifetime partner is one of the most important decisions that you could make. It's highly essential that you take your time and ensure that you choose wisely. As making a wrong decision could hinder your life and choosing right could be a major blessing and a great contribution to your life.
There are many reasons why people want to be in a relationship and the most common reason is having someone with similar interests to share your life with. Unfortunately, many people enter relationships for the wrong reasons and only became more aware when things go wrong.
Everyone has some degree of emotional baggage and most people are likely to bring their emotional baggage from their childhood or past experiences into a relationship.
It is always advisable that you try your best to resolve any unsolved emotions issues before pursuing a new relationship. Subconsciously, you often choose a partner that is on the same emotional level as you.
Here are some issues that could get in the way of making wrong choices:
- Age or peer pressure.
No one really wants to grow old alone. You may be under pressure to have a relationship before you reach a certain age, as most of your friends are in a relationship. Women have often associated age with childbearing. As the older you get, the more difficult it could become to have a child. So most women over 35 years of age begin to panic if they are not yet in a relationship and begin to worry about having children. In addition, some women are quite happy to have a baby without being in a committed relationship.
- Fear of intimacy.
You attract men or women that are emotionally unavailable or have fear of commitment, so they often struggle to love you. In addition, you knowingly pursue marriage men/women so you subconsciously love from a distance, as you may be afraid of being close to your spouse.
- Fear of abandonment.
You attract men or women that are emotionally unstable, so you always left feeling insecure, on edge, anxious and over-analytical, trying to figure out if they will leave you or subconsciously create situations to be abandoned, by ending or sabotaging the relationship.
- Low self-esteem.
You have very little value for yourself, so you get so fixated on being loved or accepted by giving so much to the relationship, yet not taking time to evaluate if your spouse is right for you. As result of this, you are always meeting their needs.
You can’t bare being by yourself and you always have to be in a relationship. Where you are emotionally dependent on your mate, to an extent that you subconsciously give up your self-identity just to make the other person happy. In addition, you find it easier to love your partner more than your self.
- Using sex a way of dumbing your emotions.
When you struggle to deal with your emotions, you could rely on various things including sex to dumb your emotions. So rather than taking a risk to experience love and being sexually intimate with someone, you have multiple sexual partners so you don’t get hurt and experience love.
- Fear of being alone.
You become overly excited when you get attention from the opposite sex, as you secretly don’t think you are good enough. So you settle for less, as being with someone is better than being on your own. This behaviour also distracts you from your problems.
- Ignore serious “red flags”.
There is no relationship that is perfect. However, there are serious deal breakers that are not to be ignored including:
- Domestic violence
- Excessive drugs/ alcohol abuse
- Serious illegal behaviour
- Anger issues
- Financial security
It’s evident that two-combined incomes is better than one. However, entering a relationship for financial reasons is never a smart move as you could be left always feeling dissatisfied and disappointed. A relationship is about being with someone that you sincerely care about and should not be based on his or her wallet or purse. Learn to be financially independent.
If you would like to talk to someone about relationship issues you may be experiencing, contact a counsellor or psychotherapist to offer you a confidential, non-judgemental space.
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