What is covert narcissism and how can you spot a covert narcissist?

Narcissism is a term that has become more and more talked about in the mainstream in recent years. But what’s the difference between narcissism and covert narcissism, how can you spot the signs of a covert narcissist, and how can you find help if you think you may be a covert narcissist?

What is a covert narcissist? Understanding covert narcissism

Also known as vulnerable narcissism, covert narcissism is often described as the more introverted side of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). A covert narcissist may appear shy, introverted, or even humble rather than having an overt sense of self-importance and entitlement. However, they often still exhibit a lot of the same narcissistic traits. These can include being manipulative and passive-aggressive, having a need for attention, showing a lack of empathy for others, or feelings of low self-esteem and insecurity. 

A covert narcissist might seem to have the same symptoms as someone who is an overt narcissist, but they are often able to hide the more obvious signs. This can make it harder to recognise someone with covert narcissism compared to overt narcissism.

How to recognise a covert narcissist

There are some general signs, traits and patterns you can look out for that can be indications of covert narcissistic behaviour. These can include:

Passive self-importance or putting themselves down

For example, they might try and minimise their achievements, accomplishments, or talents in order to get reassurance from others about how talented or successful they are. While an overt narcissist might outright try and demand attention, a covert narcissist may use more subtle tactics to achieve the same outcome. 

Seeming shy or withdrawn

Covert narcissists may avoid social situations or interactions where there may be a chance of others seeing them as inferior, flawed, or having failed. Covert narcissists can seem more like introverts, while overt narcissists may seem more extroverted. 

Sensitivity to criticism

Both overt and covert narcissists can be highly sensitive when it comes to criticism. This can mean that they may be more insecure, and their self-esteem may be more easily damaged by perceived criticisms. 

Creating a sense of confusion

Rather than overtly blaming others, some covert narcissists may try and get you to second-guess yourself or doubt how events happened in order to maintain or create a sense of power.

Passive aggression

Covert narcissists may use passive-aggressive behaviour to make themselves look better, or to show when they are frustrated. This could mean using silent treatment, sabotaging other’s work or friendships, mocking others and framing it as a joke, or trying to shift the blame. 

Putting others down

This can include trying to blame or shame others for things, being rude, critical. They may try and shift the blame from themself onto you or someone else, or may try and make themselves look like the victim. 

Disregarding or not acknowledging others

Instead of using blatant manipulation or pushing others aside, a covert narcissist may not acknowledge others at all. Rather than telling people they aren’t important to them, they may instead cancel plans last minute, delay responding to emails or texts, show up late, or avoid confirming plans completely.

Emotional neglect

Both overt and covert narcissists can often be emotionally inaccessible or unresponsive. This means that they may not compliment others often, and have little regard for others’ talents or abilities.  

Grandiose fantasies

Covert narcissist may fantasise about being recognised for their work and talent, being admired wherever they go, or being praised by others. 

How to cope with a covert narcissist

It can be difficult to know how to react when dealing with covert narcissists. It’s important to look after your own mental health and well-being. Try and:

Advocate for yourself

Look out for yourself and highlight your needs. You are your own best advocate – that means try and speak up for yourself, what you want and need. It can be tricky to be assertive at times, but the more you practice advocating for yourself, the more naturally it will come.

Set (and stick to) boundaries

Having boundaries is both healthy and helpful for ourselves and our mental health – and for others. Healthy boundaries can act as a form of self-care (allowing us to prioritise our needs and well-being), can help create distance from unhelpful or unhealthy relationships, increase our self-awareness, and help us to feel empowered. 

Look after yourself

Prioritising self-care, looking after your own well-being, and making time for yourself are all important. It can be easy to neglect ourselves – particularly if someone else is placing demands on our time and attention. Remembering to make yourself a priority can be a big help.

Learn more about NPD

Learning more can help you to feel more confident in your understanding. It can also help you to better understand signs, symptoms, and behaviours that you may be unaware of, helping you to recognise these rather than doubting or blaming yourself. 

How to deal with a covert narcissist: Finding help and support through counselling

If you think that a friend, colleague, or loved one may be a covert narcissist, it can he bard to know when – or where – to find help. Living or working with someone who is a narcissist can affect your mental health in different ways.

Over time, you may be subjected to hurtful or harmful behaviours – some of which can be hard to spot. Others can be easy to dismiss or minimise, but these can still impact how you are feeling emotionally, as well as how you think about yourself. Some tacticus used by covert and overt narcissists, such as gaslighting, can even lead to you doubting yourself and how you remember events happening.

Recognising unhealthy relationships and boundaries can be an important first step towards making changes and accessing help. Building a support system to help prioritise yourself and your needs, setting new, healthier boundaries, and learning to trust yourself can be helpful. Learning more about narcissistic personality disorder, covert and overt narcissism can also help you to better understand your situation and recognise signs of narcissistic behaviour and narcissistic abuse.

Find out more about narcissistic abuse, the signs and stages to look out for, and how counselling can help you to recover from narcissistic abuse.

Working with a therapist can help you to overcome feelings of shame, insecurity, and self-doubt that may have been affected or caused by a narcissist. A counsellor can help you focus on processing trauma and rediscovering how to love and trust yourself again. A therapist offers a safe, judgement-free space where you can talk about your worries, concerns, and experiences.

When is it time to seek help? Finding help for covert narcissism

Accessing help and support can make a big difference for people experiencing covert narcissism, but it can be difficult for individuals to realise that they have a problem and may benefit from help. 

Getting an official diagnosis can be a helpful first step in accessing support in your local area. It can also help to rule out any other possibilities. Working with a counsellor can offer significant help and benefits.

Find out more about how different types of therapy can help treat narcissistic personality disorder, including cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), family therapy, and group therapy. Counselling can help covert narcissists to unlearn unhelpful thinking patterns that can lead to unhealthy or unhelpful relationships, helping them to see themselves in a different light and build healthier relationships with others.