How to steer clear of rebounders in the dating game

Rebounders are people who never seem to be single. They are seemingly always in a relationship or are about to start a new one. When one relationship is ending, another is beginning for them and there is usually a crossover. Its not just speed that defines when someone is in a rebound situation. There is often an avoidance of feeling the feelings associated with a breakup which they just went through.

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Rebounders usually have addictive traits. The start of a new liaison may potentially offer useful emotional cover to avoid the downside of a split such as having to process feelings of sadness, guilt, loss, abandonment, fear or loneliness. There is no time for healing from past splits but an urgency to start something new, straight away.


Why do rebounders behave like they do?

Rather than heal the emotional wounds associated with a split, rebounders will seek to fill the emotional space left by someone previously. The new person might remind them of their ex in some way but not necessarily so. There is excitement in the early courting phase with someone new, with so much intrigue and the feeling of love. The loving feeling can often be lust but in those moments of excitement, there is usually a projection of love.

The new person seems right, represents a better fit than their ex and a more suitable long-time companion. There is a sense of fate that this new person is the one who is meant to be. The thought of having sex with them is electrifying. There is obsessive-like communication throughout the day with each other. 

People engaged in this phase will say that it feels like they are on drugs, such is their experience with euphoria. This can, of course, seem real as they experience the effects of neurochemicals swirling around in their brains such as dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin and norepinephrine. The reward centres of the brain like the feel-good effects essentially want more stimulus. It can feel addictive as the brain demands more excitement. This is when the feeling of falling in love can feel like an addictive rush. Epinephrine, also known as adrenaline, might also be present especially when there is a reckless aspect to new liaisons, perhaps when the other person is not emotionally available but already attached in a relationship

The neurochemicals associated with the stages of love/lust have been handed down through evolution. We are wired to feel this way when we are attracted to another person. Evolution can dictate that we feel the excited butterflies about the potential offered by a new relationship as we romanticise the prospect of new opportunities. For the one on the rebound from a split, however, these feelings offer a useful cover to avoid dealing with the pain of a split. The feel-good stage offers an opportunity to indulge in some pleasure-seeking distraction. 

Those who have addictive tendencies are particularly vulnerable to behaving in a rebound way. The prospect of having to heal the wounds of a split appears less attractive in comparison to the surge of emotion with a new person. Taking time out to re-engage with their own life, to remain single for a while, and to feel the feelings associated with an ending, appears daunting. 

The initial stages of getting to know someone, whether pursuing or being pursued, can lighten up dull days and make life seem wonderful again. These feel-good feelings can be intoxicating and can form a type of emotional dependence. It is in this emotional space that the terms of love and sex addiction have meaning.


What type of people are rebounders?

Bowlby’s attachment theories may offer some insight into how we relate to each other in adulthood.  

The disorganised attachment style types can often be the ones that are associated with jumping into rebound affairs to distract themselves from the negativity associated with an ending. These are the types who might also abuse substances to numb their feelings following a split.

Anxious attached types, too, might dread the prospect of being alone following a split and might, therefore, be very likely to rebound into something new. Avoidant types, on the other hand, might enjoy a split as a welcome opportunity to indulge in their introversion and be single again but if they do rebound it might be with an independent person. 

Secure attached types are less likely to rebound. These are the ones who will typically boost their social support structure and their positive self-care regime following a split. They will join a new group in the community, restart a hobby and increase their circle of friends. They will take time out to heal. They will feel their feelings and allow time to process what needs to be emotionally and mentally processed.  They will embrace a more mindful way of living and will intuitively know that they are not yet ready to even think of a new person in the dating world until they have taken time out from the dating scene.  


How to steer clear of rebounders?

Spotting rebounders can be difficult as they often camouflage the precise details of their relationship history. They will be careful not to reveal that they have recently split up with someone else.  Or, if they do, they will say that they have had a recent split, but they are now over them and have moved on. 

The more obvious signs of a rebound are when someone talks all the time about their ex. The beginnings of your relationship with them will seem rushed, with an increasing emphasis on getting physical. 

They will transmit mixed feelings. There will be periods of emotional intensity followed closely by periods of silence when you are left wondering whether you are being ghosted.  Or, they will be keen to show you off to their friends or family (or even for their ex to know about you) but less keen to make longer-term plans with you. 

Pay attention to how they treat themselves when you are on dates. Do they, for instance, appear to look after themselves? Do they treat others respectfully and kindly? Are they patient to others in their routine dealings? This might not be the defining qualities of just rebounders but could be an early glimpse of how emotionally available they are and how you will eventually be treated by them. 


Support and guidance for navigating rebound relationships

You could be the one who just recently suffered a breakup, or you may be with someone in a rebound relationship, where the person you are with recently split with someone else. Help is available for those who are more vulnerable to behaving in a rebound manner in relationships, and for those who might find that they are attracted to those who are rebounding. 

The sessions could unpack what is being avoided, or what is being viewed as an attraction, as well as an opportunity for you to assess what is in your best interests going forward and how your value system is being honoured.

Useful tools could be to define your red flags and dealbreakers for all your relationships, not just romantic ones, as well as define what is a healthy expression of your sexuality. This work can help to set healthy boundaries and enforce them.

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The views expressed in this article are those of the author. All articles published on Counselling Directory are reviewed by our editorial team.

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London SE1 & Tunbridge Wells TN1
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Written by Noel Bell
MA, PG Dip Psych, UKCP
location_on London SE1 & Tunbridge Wells TN1
Noel Bell is a counsellor/psychotherapist based in London who has spent the past 20 years exploring and studying personal growth, recovery from addictions and inner transformation. Noel draws upon the most effective tools and techniques from the Psyc...
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