Growing up with an emotionally immature parent or parents

For better or worse, our parents shape so much of who we are. They’re the first people we look to for love, support, and guidance, and their behaviour, whether they realise it or not, lays the foundation for how we see ourselves and how we navigate relationships with others. But what happens when the very people we rely on most for emotional connection are themselves emotionally immature?

Emotional immaturity

If you ever felt like you had to grow up too fast, like your feelings didn’t matter, or like you were carrying emotional weight that wasn’t yours to carry, there’s a good chance you grew up with an emotionally immature parent. This doesn’t necessarily mean your parent didn’t love you or want the best for you. Emotional immaturity isn’t always rooted in cruelty or neglect. More often, it comes from a lack of emotional tools, self-awareness, or healing. It reflects a parent’s own unresolved trauma and their inability to support someone else emotionally when they haven’t learned how to support themselves.

Emotional immaturity can take many forms. Some parents are reactive, unpredictable, or easily overwhelmed by emotion. Others may shut down or become cold when emotions arise, unable to connect in meaningful ways. They might deflect emotional responsibility or avoid difficult conversations altogether. Some may even lean on their children for support - creating a reversed dynamic where the child becomes the emotional caregiver. These patterns don’t occur in isolation. Most often, they stem from that parent’s own experiences of emotional invalidation, trauma, or neglect. Perhaps they grew up in an environment where vulnerability was seen as weakness or where emotions were suppressed entirely. They may never have been shown what emotional maturity looks like, and so, without realising it, they carry those patterns into their own parenting.

Whilst it might be easier to understand emotional immaturity through this lens of compassion, it doesn’t mean the impact on you as the child is any less significant. Growing up with emotionally immature parents can leave you feeling unseen, unheard, and unsure of your emotional reality. You may have learned to tiptoe around their moods or silence your own needs to keep the peace. You may have become hyper-aware of their emotions and neglected your own. And this imbalance doesn’t always stop when childhood ends. It can shape the way you relate to others well into adulthood.

What often complicates matters is that emotional immaturity isn’t always easy to identify. Your parent might have been loving in practical ways - providing a roof over your head, attending school events, or encouraging you academically - whilst still being emotionally unavailable or inconsistent. That inconsistency can create confusion. You might question whether your experiences were valid, especially if others saw your parent as caring or involved. This internal conflict can give rise to guilt and shame. You may feel like acknowledging their emotional shortcomings is a betrayal. But recognising where your needs weren’t met doesn’t make you ungrateful. It makes you honest. You’re allowed to hold space for both the love they gave and the emotional support they couldn’t provide.

When you’re raised in an environment where your feelings are routinely dismissed or minimised, it becomes harder to trust yourself. You might second-guess your emotional reactions, wonder if you're being "too sensitive," or struggle to express your needs clearly. Over time, this can lead to difficulty setting boundaries, low self-worth, and a tendency to prioritise others at the expense of your own well-being. The emotional labour you performed as a child - whether through caretaking, placating, or silencing yourself - can become your default way of being in relationships. You might continue to feel responsible for others’ emotions, even in adulthood.

The impact on your sense of identity

One of the most damaging aspects of growing up with an emotionally immature parent is the impact it can have on your own sense of identity. Children naturally look to their parents to mirror back a sense of self. If your parent was inconsistent, critical, or emotionally distant, you may have internalised a distorted sense of who you are. You might believe you are only worthy when you’re useful, quiet, or agreeable. And if your emotions were treated as inconvenient or overwhelming, you may have learned to suppress them entirely.

It’s also important to recognise that these patterns are often generational. Emotionally immature parents were often children of emotionally immature parents themselves. Without intervention, the cycle repeats. But naming the dynamic is a powerful first step. It allows you to see the dysfunction not as a personal failing, but as a legacy you inherited - and one you have the power to interrupt.

Beginning to heal

So how do you begin to heal? The process often starts with validating your own experience. It’s common to feel conflicted or uncertain, especially if you’ve spent years minimising your own pain. But your feelings matter. It’s okay to acknowledge that you didn’t receive the emotional support you needed. That doesn’t mean your parent was a monster; it simply means they fell short in ways that mattered deeply.

Part of healing is learning to reconnect with your own emotional world. You might need to re-learn what your feelings mean, how to trust them, and how to express them in safe ways. This can be especially challenging if you were taught that feelings were something to be hidden or ignored. Therapy can be incredibly helpful here - offering a space to explore your experiences, build emotional resilience, and develop tools for navigating relationships in healthier ways.

Setting boundaries is another essential step. That might mean physical distance, emotional limits, or simply redefining how much space your parent takes up in your mind. Boundaries are not about punishment. They are about protection - protecting your time, your energy, and your right to live a life that is not defined by someone else’s emotional limitations.

It can also help to cultivate relationships with people who are emotionally available, consistent, and supportive. These relationships can act as corrective experiences, helping to reshape your understanding of what a healthy connection looks like. Over time, these new patterns begin to replace the old ones.

Perhaps most importantly, healing from the impact of emotionally immature parenting involves offering yourself the kind of care and compassion you may have never received. You get to be the safe space you didn’t have. You get to speak to yourself gently, to validate your feelings, to honour your needs. You get to rewrite the story.

This work isn’t easy. It takes time, patience, and a whole lot of courage. But it’s possible. And it’s worth it. Understanding where you came from is the first step toward creating where you want to go. You don’t have to carry the weight of emotional immaturity forever. You can choose a different path - one rooted in self-awareness, emotional truth, and love that doesn’t demand you disappear to receive it.

If you’re on this journey, know that you’re not alone. Many people are walking the same path - learning to reconnect with themselves, redefine their relationships, and reclaim the emotional ground they never got to stand on as children. You are allowed to take up space, to feel deeply, and to be seen. That is the love you always deserved. And it begins with you.