Anger Management

May 5th, 2009

Let us get one thing straight: We get angry. We all have the same mixture of emotions running through our veins and so there are times when we will get angry, just as much as we may get sad or happy. If we can accept this, then half the battle is won. But we often do not want this angry emotion, and so we try to push it down, pretending it is not there, until it lets rip in whatever way it can.

Awareness is a key aspect to anger management. Realising when you are angry, and accepting that you are, is the first step. Then try and understand why you are angry, and the purpose of this anger. What does it do for you? Does it make you feel strong, in control, does it keep away other feelings such as sadness or despair? The closer you look at things, the more you see that anger is just one of many emotions that you have, and all these emotions are temporary, coming and going time after time. This lessens the weight of them, making them seem less significant and easier to manage.

It is not anger in its purest form that causes our blood pressure to rise, our skin to develop rashes and our minds to race at night. It is unacknowledged anger, unexpressed anger turning inwards which causes problems. Sometimes we are too fearful of anger to even begin to acknowledge it in our minds, but it is not the emotion itself that we should fear. A person does not punch another because of the emotion of anger but instead because of the choice he or she has made. We all have control over the choices we make.
So what are the choices, when anger is emerging in our veins? Strenuous activity is helpful, because it discharges the adrenalin that can build up. Even if we have not the time to go for a run, we can always tense our muscles and release them to relax, we can use lavender oil, baths, relaxing music, whatever it takes to unwind. The key message is not to try and pretend that we are somehow not angry.

It is important to learn the difference between an assertive response and an aggressive or angry response. I find it helpful to think of a strong tree swaying in the breeze an assertive response is simply to restate your position, repeating as necessary but not altering your position. A helpful aspect is to remember that you can only have control over your own life. If the actions of others gets you angry, or you are angry because you feel pressured by someone else, all you need do is explain how those actions make you feel. You cannot demand that they change, because you have no control over others, and this will only serve to make you more frustrated. All you can do is remain rooted in your own life, in the present moment, and stand firm.

What are your thoughts on this?

Christopher Warren-Dickins, Psychotherapist www.cwcounselling.com