What is 'cottaging' and 'cruising'?

May 8th, 2008 by Bill Brind

In my profile on this 'Counselling Directory' website I make mention that I work with men who 'cottage' or 'cruise' to meet/see other men and who are unhappy with their behaviour. Many of you probably know what 'cottaging' and 'cruising' relates to, but without wishing to preach to the converted I thought it may be helpful to send in some brief additional information:

'Cottaging' and 'cruising' is where a man will go to public toilets and/or known parks, picnic areas, fields to meet/see other men. Such behaviour has been going on for many, many years and in all weathers. The person may engage in such behaviours frequently or once in a blue moon (during times of stress, anxiety and other inner pain and conflict as a means of 'acting out').

Many such men do not classify themselves as being gay or bi-sexual (I think we also know it is a myth that all gay men frequent public toilets). Many men who 'cottage' and/or 'cruise' are married or are in a heterosexual relationship and may have children. Their 'cottaging'/'cruising' behaviour may be totally clandestine and the person may feel very unhappy, guilty, ashamed, fearful, lonley even 'paranoid' etc.

Their internal pain associated with their behaviour and keeping it secret may also overflow into other areas such as being depressed, experiencing sleep disturbance, drinking alcohol/taking drugs as an anaesthetic, withdrawing from partners, friends and family, even becoming 'addicted' to the behaviour and thus seek therapy.

Sadly, many clients that have come to my attention have been through the mental health system or the police as their inner pain has increased and become intolerable.

I feel it important for therapists and clients themselves to know that there is 'help' available for 'cottaging' and 'crusing' behaviour, but as we therapists can imagine .... It can be very difficult for a client to disclose such behaviour.

I have worked with men who 'cottage' and/or 'cruise' for many years. My therapeutic approach being psychodynamic and/or behavioural.