How Do You Handle Confrontation?

September 5th, 2010

The definition of madness is trying to solve the same problem the same way but expecting different results. Albert Einstein (or words to that effect, anywayI couldnt find the exact quote).

Burnout happens, not because were trying to solve problems but because weve been trying to solve the same problem over and over again.

If you have figured out that theres something youre pretending not to know going on in your life right now, its highly likely youre going to need to have a conversation with someone about something. Im guessing something big. A confrontation.

And here comes the classic refrain But I hate confrontation said in a whiny tone.

Some things are more difficult to talk about than others, right? Many families, business teams, couples, groups of friends operate with an unspoken rule book that includes a list of undiscussables. These are topics that are just too risky to talk about and everyone is in silent agreement about it.

They are the things you bring up in your relationship that turn into a night of rowing, crying and someone sleeping on the sofa.

They might be in the form of quid pro quo agreements that means that without discussing it, everyone instinctively understands that the topic is never to be spoken about:

* I wont yell at you about the credit card statement if you wont go mad when I buy four pairs of shoes
* I wont mention your drinking if you dont talk about my weight
* I wont complain about Call of Duty IV addiction if you dont mention my close relationship with my ex

Sometimes we avoid saying things because we know there will be consequences (and if you get my newsletter, youll spot this thinking error).

* Have you lost your mind! If I said that to my boyfriend hed go ballistic
* Hed just fall apart if I raised that issue, hes just too fragile
* I think my boyfriend is sleeping with that girl from the office, but if I confront him with my evidence, hell deny it, tell me Im an insecure, jealous harpie and will barely speak to me for a month
* If I talk about that, itll put ideas in his head

Are you doing this? Are you dodging a confrontation? I sure as hell have, and theres no question that I still find it difficult despite years of training and personal development work thats par for the course when youre a therapistI still struggle.

In my personal life and in my professional life, Ive discovered that there is a seemingly universal talent for avoiding difficult conversations. I dont want to rock the boat is often the excuse for not tackling the issue.

But if you do what youve always done, youll get what youve always got.

If your stomach flips at the thought of confronting someones behaviour, then congratulations, youre in excellent company. Its way, way less threatening to talk about your dissatisfaction with your sex life than to look your boyfriend right in the eye and address the specific behaviour that may be causing your heart ache.

Fearing confrontation is natural. Id say especially here in the UK, its not part of the cultural identity to open up and have heart-to-hearts. And besides, for the most part, confrontation didnt go well in the past, am I right? All your attempts to date have taught you the same lesson again and again dont botherits too painfulthe stakes are just too high.

What are your fears about confronting the issues? Do any of these sound familiar?

* If I bring it up, it might escalate the problem
* I might be rejected
* I could lose the relationship
* Confronting the issue might bring about an outcome for which I am totally unprepared
* What if they retaliate?
* The cure could be worse than the disease
* If it aint broke, dont fix it and Im going to keep pretending it aint broke
* What if they get emotionalor irrational?
* Ill hurt their feelings
* Theyll hurt my feelings

But are the results of NOT confronting the problem?

* The problem could continue getting worse
* I could get rejected
* I could lose the relationship
* Emotions could continue running high until one of us blows

You see where Im going with this. The very outcomes we fear the most if we confront someones behaviour are practically guaranteed to show up if we dont.

Heres the truth it will just take longer and the results will likely occur at the worst possible moment, when youre least prepared and feeling at your most vulnerableand with a huge price tag attached.

When the topic of confrontation comes up you might well conjure up the picture of ranting, screaming, clenched fists, mad, wild eyesyou have a negative context for confrontation.

For example, lets imagine you believe cats are dangerous. The door opens, a cat saunters in and pads over in your direction. Thats it. No claws, no howling, no hissingnothing. Just that.

You are afraid. The cat didnt scare you. Your believe scared you.

Beliefs determine how you feel and therefore they determine how you feel.