David Goodlad FRSPH, MA, Senior Psychotherapist.

David Goodlad FRSPH, MA, Senior Psychotherapist.

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Canterbury Healthcare
Canterbury
Kent
CT1 2NF

Harley Street
London
W1G 9PF

01227 290 098

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Canterbury Healthcare
Canterbury
Kent
CT1 2NF

Harley Street
London
W1G 9PF

01227 290 098

About me

David Goodlad MA FRSPH RSA CADC (www.davidgoodlad.co.uk). I am a specialist counsellor and psychotherapist. My counselling experience includes sex addiction and sexual compulsion, internet addiction, relationship issues, gambling addiction, relationship betrayal, anger management, alcohol and cocaine addiction, chat room addiction, depression, anxiety, post and pre-natal concerns

Visit my full website at www.davidgoodlad.co.uk

I am available for a confidential appointment in Canterbury. I have over twenty years experience and am a senior accredited counsellor and psychotherapist; registered and insured


The areas of David's practice are:

Sex addiction

Internet addiction

Relationship issues

Gambling addiction

Relationship Betrayal Counselling

Couples Counselling

Anger Management

Work related stress

Bereavement

Grief

Alcohol and addiction concerns

Training, qualifications & experience

David Goodlad FRSPH

Fellow of the Royal Society for Public Health
MA in Counselling
RSA - Registered Senior Accredited Counsellor (Counselling in relationship and life issues)
Senior Accredited Addictions Counsellor (Three Professional bodies)
Over 20 years experience

Qualifications, Experience and Accreditation

Over my career I have worked as a senior therapist and supervisor for Priory Healthcare, Abbey Hospitals, Covenant Healthcare, Triage Healthcare, Canterbury Healthcare and other major counselling providers, both in the UK and internationally. I have held managerial, clinical supervisory, executive positions and directorships within both psychological and psychiatric settings.

I have lectured and trained therapists, counsellors, medical doctors, psychologists and nurses at Colleges and Universities both in counselling and psychology.  

FRSPH - Fellow of the Royal Society for Public Health, Royal Society for Public Health
MA - Masters Degree in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Victoria University of Manchester
Diploma in Counselling - Manchester College

RSA MBACP (Registered Senior Accredited) - Senior Accredited Practitioner, British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy

Other accreditations (that include alcohol, relationship, couples, anger management and co-dependency counselling)
CADC - Internationally accredited Alcohol and Drug Counsellor, United Kingdom Board of IC&RC (USA transferable)
NCAC - FDAP accredited Counsellor, Federation of Drug and Alcohol Professionals, UK ADAP - Accredited Drug and Alcohol Professional, Federation of Drug and Alcohol Professionals, UK                                                                                     


Counsellor for relationships, sex addiction, internet addiction, gambling addiction, anger management, alcohol and cocaine addiction, chat room addiction, depression, post and pre-natal concerns

Member organisations

Registered / Accredited

BACP
FDAP

Accredited register membership

Other areas of counselling I deal with

Sex Addiction Help

David Goodlad is a senior sex addiction counsellor and has been a psychotherapist counselling sex addicts for over twenty years. He specialises in addictive and problematic sexual behaviour. He helps people to overcome their shame and guilt around their sex addiction.

He can also help the partners of sex addicts to better understand their sense of betrayal. He helps them both with their difficult feelings. He helps them with how to get their feelings across in a sensitive manner, so each gains a better understanding of the devastation caused.

He has helped repair countless marriages and relationships blighted by sex addiction. He has a structured and caring approach. Call 01227 290 098  for a confidential appointment.

Professionally Accreditted Counsellor and Psychotherapist

David has many years experience in providing relationship counselling. He helps individuals come to terms with the most difficult of relationship issues. If you feel let down by someone or have doubts about your own actions, call us for an appointment. Your relationship difficulties may range from divorce or separation, affairs or betrayal, sexual issues or just a feeling of being completely lost. It helps to talk it through properly.

Sex Addiction

The facts on sex addiction can at first seem vague at best. There is very little meaningful UK based research on sex or pornography addiction. In the US addiction academics have being studying the sexual behaviour and sexual preferences of sex addicts for some time.

This is a fact - On August 15, 2011 the American Society of Addiction Medicine (ASAM) issued a public statement defining all addiction including sexual behaviour addiction in terms of brain changes. "Addiction is a primary, chronic disease of brain reward, motivation, memory and related circuitry''.

Sensitive, effective help is available now from our highly experienced and qualified sexual addiction therapists. We will help you understand what constitutes being a sex addict. Sex addiction counselling is at the core of the services we provide.

Types of sex addiction

Sex addicts spend a great deal of time obsessing about sex, planning it, hiding it, recovering from it (through shame and guilt), trying to stop it, searching for it (in many forms), looking at it, listening to it, watching it, feeling uneasy when they can’t access it,  the list goes on.

The act of sexual addiction takes many forms. Various mediums are utilised and various activities engaged in. Usually an addict will have a preferred medium with a back up and a preferred activity with a secondary experimentation.

For medium examples, laptops are generally preferred to mobiles when watching porn, but mobiles are preferred to desktops when sending and receiving anonymous pictures with sexual imagery. Anonymous email accounts when accessing covert dating sites are preferred to making contact through a traceable Facebook account. However, Facebook accounts are generally preferred for mild ‘on the hoof’ flirting.

Activities range from sending and receiving explicit personal images to casual contacts to meeting complete strangers for one off casual sex. Facebook images are copied of people known to the addict. Chat rooms, private rooms and dating sites are generally activities that are engaged in as a cluster, but there are no hard rules. The variations are as endless as the imagination.

BETRAYAL
When we suffer any betrayal it often evokes five common reactions; strong feelings of anger, resentment, rage, fear, shame and guilt as well as a call for vengeance, vindication, or retribution that leads to rage and obsession about the betrayal.

This often causes the demonising or dehumanising the betrayer, generalising 'all the negative' to others take over, that is thinking 'they are all the same', through stereotyping, prejudice and bigotry

Self-betrayal--where we no longer trust ourselves or our judgement. Our 'inner voice'is silensed, our self worth feels ruined.

Self destructive suspicion, fear, control, and manipulation to protect oneself against future betrayal is a common defence.

Entrapment. Whether your partner or lover let you down, your co-worker did the dirty on you, or your life has been shattered from some awful event, it can feel impossible to get past the pain and suffering. We must begin to build a new life based on Self-truth and Self-trust.

There are tried and trusted ways of getting beyond this destructive entrapment.

There is hope and change is possible.

How do you know if you have a sex addiction problem or are a sex addict?

Generally and addict wil:

Spend a good deal of time doing it, thinking about it, hiding it, recovering it, feeling ashamed about it, regretting it or avoiding it

Do it much more than when the first started

Make promises to you about it, promises that they don't keep

They will experience being agitated, anxious, depressed or generally ill at ease when they are not able to do it or are avoiding doing it after being challanged.

They will do other activities specifically in attempt to stop being tempted, potentially behaviours of an addictive nature.

You feel concerned or betrayed by their actions, or would do if you knew the full truth.

Web based pornography is almost exclusively viewed covertly, adiction to it relies upon private viewing.

Pornography in one form or another has been around since men first drew on cave walls.

Its presence in our lives has exploded into ready availability, with the assistance of broadband internet. Private home based viewing on mobile phones, laptops, tablets etc has provided pornography addicts with the perfect covert host. However, with the huge increase in dating and casual sex sites, many people are now addicted to seeing themselves on line, not just viewing others. Facebook, dating websites, chat rooms and anonymous email accounts have opened up another outlet for fantasying, and more importantly, endlessly searching until the addict is found out.

Sex addiction and co-dependent relationships are akin in that they both represent appetites that can never be satisfied through addictive behaviour (adapted Prof F Orford).

The 'Need' of the internet sex addict

Internet addiction is about searching, not finding. The need to search online is never satisfied for an addict. Hours are simply wasted away in an uncontrolled, secret gorge. Having the problem of internet addiction and not facing the problem is at the very core of the problem.

Online, people can go anywhere, search almost anything, find out virtually anything and look at almost anybody they want. The covert copying and storing, from Facebook, of images from profiles of women known to them, becomes another secret activity. Often these men are in stable relationships whereby their partners are often completely ignorant of these activities. Online they act out in ways that are risky and totally absorbing, sometimes crossing their moral, or worse legal boundaries. They can do all this without leaving their chair or in some web based arenas such as chat or date sites they don't need to present themselves as a real person. Accountability, supervision and social consequences are missing in a virtual society.

Sex addiction draws men and women into behaviours that they genuinely have no control over. As a result of the entrenched habit there are often personal, relationship and employment issues to face on a daily basis, or in some more extreme cases legal issues ensue. If this sounds familiar, you are not alone. If this is you, we can do something about it. Call now.

Chat line or Cyber Sex addiction

For many men and women experiencing online problems the Internet is like a private night club or the place where they can find the friends or partners that they have always wanted. They don’t have to go out and find real people and have an honest relationship. They can stay in their own chair and explore endless activities. They can walk away and come right back. If online they embarrass themselves, or get people angry and then can just change their name, age and marital status and just start over. They can feel like a sex addict and be overcome with shame and remorse but have no idea how to resolve it. If you need help with sex addiction we can help.

Recognising Internet Addiction

Internet Addiction can be recognised by a cluster of symptoms.

  • Personal Neglect
  • Compulsive checking and "clicking"
  • Isolation and Avoidance from people
  • Lost Productivity
  • Depression
  • Marital Problems
  • Sexual Addiction
  • Gambling away savings
  • Internet abuse in the Workplace
  • Academic Failure
  • Anxiety if access to a computer is denied
  • Persistent need to spend excessive amount of time on the computer
  • Neglecting other duties
  • Forgoing Social Activities
  • Neglecting Family Relationships
  • Compulsive need to spend time on the computer
  • Feeling empty when not at the computer
  • Feeling irritable when not at the computer
  • Feeling depressed when not at the computer
  • Lying to other people about amount of time spent on the computer
  • Social Isolation
  • Withdrawing from other pleasurable activities

Do you experience?

  • The need to use the internet to increasing degrees to achieve the desired effect?
  • Symptoms of withdrawal when internet use is avoided, or another activity needs to be undertaken?
  • Difficulty restricting your internet use?
  • Your internet use interferes with social, occupational or recreational activities
  • Negative consequences on personal relationships as a result of the behaviour?

Are You Compulsive or Addicted To the Net?

Answering the question "Am I addicted?" is based on four questions.

  • Do you feel better when you are on-line, chatting, or exploring the Net?
  • Are you or have you been spending more and more time on-line, with varying degrees of control?
  • Are you on-line when you should being doing something else?
  • Have you tried to cut back and don’t?

You probably have a compulsion if you feel a strong need to get on-line when you should be doing other things in your life. For instance, "Are you forgetting to eat?" Or, "Are you getting up at 3 a.m. in the morning to go to the bathroom and checking your e-mail before you go back to bed?". Checking e-mail at night when no one else is up and for no reason is a compulsion. You may even have early signs of sex addiction if you feel a need to be on the Internet more and more and feel worse when you stop.

Call now if you want to do something about it.

Understanding the sex addiction process

For lasting change to take place, the entire scope of the problematic sexual behaviour should be identified in a complete, systematic and ordered manner. This should involve listing sexual addiction behaviours and examining them in terms of Common Risks, Regrets, Motivation, Consequences and Time.

Common Risks

Being in places where loss of control happened before
Being in conflict with other people
Experiencing feelings such as hostility, depression, anxiety and not knowing what to do with them.

Regrets

These are always personal, speak for themselves and all must be specified in order to protect against future recurrence. This is the key to increasing awareness over what changes can be achieved.

Motivation

The initial motivation to perform the action and what actually happened as a result

Consequences

By examining the justification and results of the problematic action, a deeper awareness of the associated consequence is caused.

Time

Not being impatient. Making ‘time’ work for any change process rather than causing time to work against it.

General pornography stats

34% of internet users have experienced unwanted exposure to pornographic content through ads, pop up ads, misdirected links or emails

Every second £2000 is being spent on pornography on the internet

35% of all internet downloads are related to pornography

Every second 28,258 users are watching pornography on the internet

25% of all search engine queries are related to pornography, or about 68 million search queries a day

Every second 372 people are typing the word "adult" into search engines

One third of porn viewers are women

2.5 billion emails sent or received every day contain porn

Every 39 minutes a new pornography video is being created in the United States alone

Internet addiction, Pornography and on-line sex problems

Effective counselling for internet addiction, on-line chat, gaming, porn, dating sites, cyber and related concerns. Our counsellors offer therapy to assist you in making real changes. Our psychotherapy treatment programmes are designed to help improve you and your circumstances, before its too late.

For many years David Goodlad has helped clients overcome their Internet pornography and on-line sex problems. Web based sex and chat room or cyber sex addiction are just some of the issues he helps them get under control. He is a recognised and qualified expert in the field of addiction.

GAMBLING ADDICTION - when gambling costs you more than just money

If you want to Stop Gambling now, call us. Help is available. Gambling addiction and compulsive gambling are treatable conditions. Ultimately only you can know if you are an addict, others can tell you what they think, but only you can know it. Gambling addiction isolates you from everyone and all you care about.

Gambling addiction removes choice, self-belief, sex drive, intimacy, honesty, open mindedness, willingness to learn, families, houses, jobs, cars, your inheritance and the inheritance of your children, sometimes all of them go in one night. No other addiction has the capacity to be so demographically destructive so quickly. It absolutely devastates lives and families. It has the capacity to affect our loved ones and children’s futures in ways that other addictions simply cannot.

Gambling addiction is not simply a 'label' as other ill informed therapists term it. Nor is the solving of it simply a matter of changing one's 'belief' about decision making and choices or improving one's 'weak' will power. The neurological properties of gambling addiction have been likened to those of cocaine addiction and sex addiction. Indeed it is common for these three addictions to go hand in hand, common - but by no means the rule.

David Goodlad has worked with, trained and supervised some of the leading therapists in this field. His approach is pragmatic and compassionate. He operates a proven programme that will support and encourage.

Gambling addiction and compulsive gambling are treatable conditions. If you are concerned about your gambling please do this simple test:

I have gambled despite risking or losing a relationship, job, or opportunity.

I have unsuccessfully attempted to reduce my gambling.

I try to win back gambling losses with more gambling.

I have asked or wanted to ask family, friends, or another third party for financial assistance as a result of my gambling.

I have frequent thoughts about gambling experiences, whether past, future, or fantasy.

I require larger or more frequent ‘bets’ to experience the same "rush".

I am restless and/or irritable when I try to stop or reduce gambling.

I can sometimes gamble to improve how I feel or to try and escape problems.

I hide or have hid the extent my gambling by lying to family, friends, or others.

I have broken the law in order to obtain gambling money or recover gambling losses.

If you answer yes to three or more you may require professional help.

Call 01227 290 098 for an appointment, before you lose more than just money.


ANGER MANAGEMENT

Anger is an automatic response to ill treatment. It is the way a person indicates he or she will not tolerate certain types of behaviour. It is a feedback mechanism in which an unpleasant stimulus is met with an unpleasant response.

Anger is part of our evolutionary equipment, an emotion related to one's psychological interpretation of having been offended, wronged or denied and a tendency to undo that by retaliation. Responses to our own anger can act like a pressure cooker; we can only apply pressure against our anger for a certain amount of time until it explodes. Anger may have physical correlates such as increased heart rate, blood pressure, and levels of adrenaline and noradrenaline. Some view anger as part of the fight or flight brain response to the perceived threat of harm. Anger becomes the predominant feeling behaviourally, cognitively, and physiologically when a person makes the conscious choice to take action to immediately stop the threatening behaviour of another outside force. The English term originally comes from the term anger of Old Norse language. Anger can have many negative physical and mental consequences.

The external expression of anger can be found in facial expressions, body language, physiological responses, and at times in public acts of aggression. Humans and animals for example make loud sounds, attempt to look physically larger, bare their teeth, and stare.The behaviours associated with anger are designed to warn aggressors to stop their threatening behaviour. Rarely does a physical altercation occur without the prior expression of anger by at least one of the participants. While most of those who experience anger explain its arousal as a result of "what has happened to them," psychologists point out that an angry person can be very well mistaken because anger causes a loss in self-monitoring capacity and objective observability.

Modern psychologists view anger as a primary, natural, and mature emotion experienced by virtually all humans at times, and as something that has functional value for survival. Anger can mobilise psychological resources for corrective action. Uncontrolled anger can, however, negatively affect personal or social well-being.

EFFECTIVE ANGER MANAGEMENT
Dealing with anger
There are numerous techniques that I employ in therapy. Below offers some tried and trusted self help views on how to help with managing anger. if you are concerned about your or some else's anger please feel able to contact me.

Helping yourself
Recognise anger signs
The heart beats faster and you breathe more quickly, preparing you for action. You might also notice other signs, such as tension in your shoulders or clenching your fists.

Count to 10
This gives you time to cool down so you can think more clearly and overcome the impulse to lash out.

Breathe slowly

We can often breathe in for up to four times longer than breathing out. This can raise our anxiety levels considerably and thus make us more prone to anger. Remember - breathe out for longer than you breathe in, and relax as you breathe out.

Managing anger in the long term
Once you're able to recognise the signs that you're getting angry and can calm yourself down, you can start looking at ways to control your anger more generally.

Exercise
Regular light exercise has long been associated with improved well being. Most forms of physical exercise can have a positive beneficial effect on our anger management.

Take care of yourself
Take time to relax regularly, and ensure that you get enough sleep. Drugs and alcohol can and often do make anger problems worse.

Try and be creative
Writing, making music, dancing or painting, arts and crafts can release tension and help reduce feelings of anger.

Talk about it
Discussing your feelings with a friend can be useful, and can help you get a different perspective on the situation.

Look at the way you think
Unhelpful ways of thinking will need re adjusting. Blaming thoughts (words we say to our selves that blame others or us), or shaming thoughts (self condemning words that we say to ourselves about others or us) can make our anger worse.

Thinking in this way (blaming and shaming) will keep you focused on whatever it is
that's making you angry. Let these thoughts go, and it will be easier to calm down.

Avoid phrases that include always, never, should, must, ought, fair, for example:

Always (for example, You always do that')

Never ('You never listen to me')

Should/shouldn't ('You should do what I want', or 'You shouldn't be on the roads')

Must/mustn't ('I must be on time', or 'I mustn't be late')

Ought/oughtn't ('People ought to get out of my way')

Its not fair

Alcohol Addiction – Drug Alcohol

Sometimes alcohol rehab or drug rehab is the preferred option. David Goodlad supervises both alcohol rehabs and drug rehabs and is able to offer information on choices available and provide suitable aftercare.

If you are concerned about your own or someone else's addictive behaviour, but are unsure if you need help, there are two questions to ask:

1. When the person wants to stop do they find they cannot?

2. When the using or 'acting out' does the person have little or no control over the amount or time spent?

What to do

Our approach might appear simplistic, but it needs to be. Confusion, fear and lack of trust usually abound by time a client comes for help. However, it is never too late to change.

We examine the problems as presented by the client·         We examine the lifestyle·         We examine their personal history·         We look at the mental functioning·         We assess for levels of depression·         We agree where help is need·         We look at the required changes·         We prepare for change·         We look at the responsibilities for those changes·         We measure the effect of the change·         We support with the maintenance of the change

Cocaine Addiction

Counselling for cocaine addiction provided by a highly experienced and qualified addictions therapist. If you are reading this you may well need help with your own or someone else’s cocaine addiction.

With an entrenched cocaine habit, cocaine directly alters the neurones in the brain. A cocaine therapist will be able to explain to cocaine addict precisely how this happens to them.

Don’t delay in getting help to make the necessary changes to deal with this destructive habit.

We provide effective and change based therapy to address a cocaine addicts issues.



POSTNATAL DEPRESSION

Postnatal Depression
is a form of clinical depression that can affect women, and less frequently men, after childbirth. Studies report prevalence rates among women from 5% to 25%, but methodological differences among the studies make the actual prevalence rate unclear.

Postnatal depression occurs in women after they have carried a child, usually in the first few months, and may last up to several months or even a year. Symptoms include sadness, fatigue, changes in sleeping and eating patterns, reduced libido, crying episodes, anxiety, and irritability. Although a number of risk factors have been identified, the causes are not well understood. Many women recover with a treatment consisting of short and long term counselling (dependent on the severity). In some cases anti depressant medication is prescribed, though often with the support and assistance of counselling.

Among men, in particular new fathers, the incidence of postnatal depression has been estimated to be between 1.2% and 25.5%.

Postnatal Depression (PND) can affect women in different ways. The symptoms can begin soon after the birth and last for months, or in severe cases can last for over a year.

The symptoms of PND usually include one or more of the following:

  • low mood for long periods of time (a week or more)
  • feeling irritable for a lot of the time
  • tearfulness
  • panic attacks or feeling trapped in your life
  • difficulty concentrating
  • lack of motivation
  • lack of interest in yourself and your new baby
  • feeling lonely
  • feeling guilty, rejected or inadequate
  • feeling overwhelmed
  • feeling unable to cope
  • difficulty sleeping and feeling constantly tired
  • physical signs of tension, such as headaches, stomach pains or blurred vision
  • lack of appetite
  • reduced sex drive

These symptoms may not necessarily mean you are depressed as some of these symptoms affect women after childbirth anyway. If in any doubt speak with your GP.

PND can interfere with your day-to-day life. You might feel unable to look after your baby, or feel too anxious to leave the house or keep in touch with friends.

Many mothers do not recognise that they have PND, and do not talk to family and friends about how they are really feeling. It is important for partners, family members and friends to recognise the signs of PND at an early stage and to seek professional advice as soon as possible.

Frightening thoughts
Some women who have PND get thoughts about harming their baby. This is quite common, affecting about half of all women with the condition. You may also have thoughts about harming or killing yourself. These thoughts do not mean you are a bad mother, and it is very rare for either mother or baby to be harmed.

However, it is vital that you see your GP if you have these or any other symptoms of PND. Treatment will benefit both your health and the healthy development of your baby, as well as your relationship with your partner, family and friends.

BEREAVEMENT

When someone close to you dies, you’ll probably experience a variety of emotions.

However much you thought you had prepared for this moment, you may feel numb and shocked. You may be deeply upset, and at the same time relieved that you can now make plans for your own future. Losing someone close to you can be one of the toughest things you have to go through in your life. Everyone copes with bereavement in different ways and there is never a right or a wrong way to go about it.

You may also feel guilty that you are thinking of yourself at this time. These are all natural and normal emotions that you may feel long after the actual bereavement itself. Coping with bereavement is a long process. If you feel you need help in coping with your feelings at this time, there are organisations that offer bereavement counselling. Ask your GP surgery or local hospice.

Symptoms of Bereavement

Physical pain - tightness in the body, breathlessness, lack of energy

Confusion, hallucinations, disbelief

Obsession with the deceased, sleeplessness, lack of appetite

A personal Journey of Bereavement

Dr Elisabeth Kübler-Ross pioneered a model for understanding grief which includes five stages; denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. These stages are also transferable to personal change and emotional upset resulting from factors other than death and dying.

Dr Ross recognised people have their own individual journey of coming to terms with death and bereavement, etc., after which there is generally an acceptance of reality, which then enables the person to cope.

Rather than explain grief itself, the model blew more explains how ‘life goes on’.

Denial

Denial is a defence mechanism and perfectly natural. It can be a conscious or unconscious refusal to accept facts, information, reality, relating to the situation concerned. Some people can become locked in this stage. "I feel fine."; "This can't be happening, not to me." Denial is usually only a temporary defence for the individual. This feeling is generally replaced with heightened awareness of possessions and individuals that will be left behind after death.

Anger

People dealing with emotional upset can be angry with themselves, and/or with others, especially those close to them. Anger can manifest in different ways. "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; '"Who is to blame?" Once in the second stage, the individual recognises that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feelings of rage and envy.

Bargaining

Traditionally the bargaining stage for people facing death can involve attempting to bargain with whatever higher power the person believes in. Bargaining rarely provides a sustainable solution, especially if it's a matter of life or death. "I'll do anything for a few more years."; "I will give my life savings if..."The third stage involves the hope that the individual can somehow postpone or delay death. Usually, the negotiation for an extended life is made with a higher power in exchange for a reformed lifestyle. Psychologically, the individual is saying, "I understand I will die, but if I could just do something to buy more time...’’

Depression

In a way it's the dress rehearsal or the practice run for the 'aftermath' although this stage means different things depending on whom it involves. It's a sort of acceptance with emotional attachment. It's natural to feel sadness and regret, fear, uncertainty, etc. It shows that the person has at least begun to accept the reality. "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I'm going to die soon so what's the point... What's the point?"; "I miss my loved one, why go on?" During the fourth stage, the dying person begins to understand the certainty of death. Because of this, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time crying and grieving. This process allows the dying person to disconnect from things of love and affection. It is not recommended to attempt to cheer up an individual who is in this stage. It is an important time for grieving that must be processed.

Acceptance

Again this stage definitely varies according to the person's situation, although broadly it is an indication that there is some emotional detachment and objectivity. People dying can enter this stage a long time before the people they leave behind, who must necessarily pass through their own individual stages of dealing with the grief. "It's going to be okay."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it." In this last stage, individuals begin to come to terms with their mortality, or that of a loved one, or other tragic event.

DEPRESSION

Depressed people may feel sad, anxious, empty, hopeless, helpless, worthless, guilty, irritable, angry, resentful or restless.

They may lose interest in activities that once were pleasurable, experience loss of appetite or overeating, or problems concentrating, remembering details or making decisions; and may contemplate or attempt self harm or suicide.

Insomnia, excessive sleeping, fatigue, loss of energy, or aches, pains or digestive problems that are resistant to treatment may be present.

If you feel very depressed it is advisable to talk it through with your doctor. Counselling can help. By examining how we think empowers us to begin to be able to change how we feel.

Sometimes just talking can help, other times something more structured is required.

If you want to change how you feel we can make explore the problem, agree a solution, make a plan and see it through.

COUPLES COUNSELLING

Relationships take time to build and in turn they can time to deteriorate.

Sometimes it appears that a single person’s difficulties, event or action has caused a breakdown or serious threat to a relationship.

This ‘single event cause’ is rarely found to be the case when explored in a safe and compassionate environment.

To resolve difficulties in a relationship there is often a good deal of reconstruction required which can seem overwhelming.

Before a relationship between individuals can begin to be understood, it is important to recognise that each person, including the counsellor, has a unique history, personality, perception and set of values of their own.

Within Couples Counselling, the Counsellor usually focuses on the relationship, rather than an individual.

David has been able to help many women and men struggling with betrayal, temptation and doubt in their relationships, both in couples and individual therapy.

A little about David's practice and approach:

If you are wondering why your relationship is so distracting to you, consider for a moment some of the signs and effects of love: abnormal heart rhythms, sweating, impaired brain function, incoherent speech patterns and loss of sleep, hugely increased impulsivity, loss of concentration, sudden changes in eating patterns, flashbacks, images both pleasant and unpleasant, the list goes on. Indeed try and add some of your own symptoms to get a fuller picture of what you are experiencing.

Your clarity of purpose, security and direction are so easily removed when you experience relationship issues.

Strain within a Relationship

Most relationships will get strained at some time, resulting in the relationship not functioning optimally and producing its own self- destructive reinforcing, maladaptive patterns. These patterns may be called negative interaction cycles

Within a relationship Individuals may adhere to different and unexamined value systems. Institutional and societal variables (like the social, religious, group and other collective factors) which shape a person's nature and behaviour are considered in the process of counselling and therapy.

What to do

There are many possible reasons for when things go wrong, including insecure attachment, ego, arrogance, jealousy, anger, greed, poor communication/understanding or problem solving, ill health, third parties and so on.

To target and focus the therapy on the relationship, rather than the individuals are the primary steps in couples counselling. This approach takes the attention and energy away from the blame and resentment cycle. Once this is achieved a new, positive direction can be explored.

The Role of a Couples Counsellor

The duty and function of a relationship counsellor or couple's therapist is to listen, respect, understand and facilitate better functioning between those involved. The focus should always be on the relationship, not on individuals.

The basic principles for a counsellor include:

Provide a confidential dialogue, which normalises feelings
To enable each person to be heard and to hear themselves
Provide a mirror with expertise to reflect the relationship's difficulties and the potential and direction for change
Empower the relationship to take control of its own destiny and make vital decisions
Deliver relevant and appropriate information

As well as the above, the basic principles for a couples therapist also include

To identify the repetitive, negative interaction cycle as a pattern.
To understand the source of reactive emotions that drive the pattern.
To expand and re-organise key emotional responses in the relationship.
To facilitate a shift in partners' interaction to new patterns of interaction.
To create new and positively bonding emotional events in the relationship
To foster a secure attachment between partners.

Common core principles of relationship counselling and
couple's therapy are:

Respect
Empathy
Tact
Consent
Confidentiality
Accountability
Expertise
Evidence based
Accreditation, ongoing training and supervision

Individualistic approaches to couple problems can cause harm. The counsellor or therapist encourages the participants to give their best efforts to reorienting their relationship with each other. One of the challenges here is for each person to change their own responses to their partner's behaviour. Not all couples put all of their cards on the table at first. This can take time.

QUESTIONS ABOUT THERAPY: The BACP states that:

What is therapy?
Therapy offers you a safe, confidential place to talk about your life and anything that may be confusing, painful or uncomfortable. It allows you to talk with someone who is trained to listen attentively and to help you improve things.

There are many different types of therapy available. However in general, research shows that the relationship with your therapist is more important than the method they use.

How will therapy make me feel? Therapy is a very personal process. Sometimes it is necessary to talk about painful feelings or difficult decisions, so you may go through a period of feeling worse than when you started. However, therapy should enable you to feel better in the
long-run.

If you do experience a period of feeling worse, talk to your therapist about it to ensure you get the best out of your therapy.

Will I feel better straight away? Usually it will take a number of sessions before therapy starts to make a difference. However on rare occasions, a single session may be enough.

Does it work for everybody? Therapy doesn’t work for everybody. It is not a universal cure-all. Because you may be talking about very personal and often painful things, it can sometimes be difficult to keep going. Despite this, it is often worth the effort as you can be helped to work through problems.

Will I be able to have therapy that understands my cultural background? Therapists come from a wide range of backgrounds and cultures. It should be possible to find an appropriate therapist for your needs. How and where you access therapy will affect how much choice you have when selecting your therapist.

Is all therapy the same? No. There are different methods and approaches to therapy, and your chosen therapist will be able to talk to you about their particular method or approach.

What types of therapy are there? There are many different types of therapy available. However in general, research shows that the relationship with your therapist is more important than the method they use.

Your choice of type of therapy may be limited depending on where you access it. If you have a preference over the type of therapy, you may choose to seek a private therapist.

Counselling in Canterbury through David Goodlad can offer you personal time to begin to settle and resolve the difficulties you may be experiencing. David says to all his clients:'We can work it out, We can make a plan and We can see it through together'.

Photos & videos

  • DG 5-11-14
  • DG use

Fees

Each session is usually fifty minutes long to a maximum of one hour.

Counselling is provided in East Kent, in the heart of Canterbury, CT1. If you know Canterbury, my offices are located close to the St George's roundabout. Session are by appoitnemnt only.

Appointments are available  between 7am and 7pm Monday - Friday

Further information

A little about David's practice and approach:

If you are wondering why your relationship is so distracting consider for a moment some of the signs and symptoms of love: abnormal heart rhythms, sweating, impaired brain function, incoherent speech patterns and loss of sleep, a huge increase with impulses, loss of concentration, sudden changes in eating patterns, flashbacks of images both pleasant and unpleasant, the list goes on. Indeed try and add some of your own symptoms to get a fuller picture of the power of your experience

Your clarity of purpose, security and direction can be so easily removed when you experience relationship issues.

I have many years experience in providing relationship counselling to individuals and couples. He helps individuals come to terms with the most difficult of relationship issues. If you feel let down by someone or have doubts about your own actions, call for an appointment. Your relationship difficulties may range from divorce or separation, affairs or betrayal, sexual issues or just a feeling of being completely lost. It helps to talk it through properly.

Qualified Therapist

David Goodlad is a senior therapist and has been a psychotherapist counselling for relationships, addictions and sex addiction for over twenty years. He specialises in addictive and problematic sexual behaviour. He helps people in the Kent area overcome shame and guilt around their sex addiction.

Help for Partners of Sex Addicts

He can also help the partners of sex addicts to better understand their sense of betrayal. He helps them both with their difficult feelings. He helps them with how to get their feelings across in a sensitive manner, so each gains a better understanding of the devastation caused.

He has helped repair countless marriages and relationships blighted by sex addiction. He has a structured and caring approach. Call 01227 290 098  for a confidential appointment.

We can help

The facts on sex addiction can at first seem vague at best. There is very little meaningful UK based research on sex or pornography addiction. In the US addiction academics have being studying the sexual behaviour and sexual preferences of sex addicts for some time.

This is a fact - On August 15, 2011 the American Society of Addiction Medicine (ASAM) issued a public statement defining all addiction including sexual behaviour addiction in terms of brain changes. "Addiction is a primary, chronic disease of brain reward, motivation, memory and related circuitry''.

Sensitive, effective help is available now from our highly experienced and qualified sexual addiction therapists. We will help you understand what constitutes being a sex addict. Sex addiction counselling is at the core of the services we provide.

Types of sex addiction

Sex addicts spend a great deal of time obsessing about sex, planning it, hiding it, recovering from it (through shame and guilt), trying to stop it, searching for it (in many forms), looking at it, listening to it, watching it, feeling uneasy when they can’t access it,  the list goes on.

The act of sexual addiction takes many forms. Various mediums are utilised and various activities engaged in. Usually an addict will have a preferred medium with a back up and a preferred activity with a secondary experimentation.

For medium examples, laptops are generally preferred to mobiles when watching porn, but mobiles are preferred to desktops when sending and receiving anonymous pictures with sexual imagery. Anonymous email accounts when accessing covert dating sites are preferred to making contact through a traceable Facebook account. However, Facebook accounts are generally preferred for mild ‘on the hoof’ flirting.

Activities range from sending and receiving explicit personal images to casual contacts to meeting complete strangers for one off casual sex. Facebook images are copied of people known to the addict. Chat rooms, private rooms and dating sites are generally activities that are engaged in as a cluster, but there are no hard rules. The variations are as endless as the imagination.

How do you know if you have a sex addiction problem or are a sex addict?

Generally:

You will spend a good deal of time doing it, thinking about it, hiding it, recovering it, feeling ashamed about it, regretting it or avoiding it

You will do it much more than when you first started

You will make promises to yourself about it that you don't keep

You will feel agitated, anxious, depressed or generally ill at ease when not able to do it

You will do other activities specifically in attempt to stop being tempted

Your will loved ones feel concerned or even betrayed by your actions, or would do if they knew the truth about your behaviour

You are not alone. Read on ...

General pornography stats

34% of internet users have experienced unwanted exposure to pornographic content through ads, pop up ads, misdirected links or emails

Every second £2000 is being spent on pornography on the internet

35% of all internet downloads are related to pornography

Every second 28,258 users are watching pornography on the internet

25% of all search engine queries are related to pornography, or about 68 million search queries a day

Every second 372 people are typing the word "adult" into search engines

One third of porn viewers are women

2.5 billion emails sent or received every day contain porn

Every 39 minutes a new pornography video is being created in the United States alone

Eating Disorders counselling in Kent by a qualified compulsive eating counsellor.

Dieting and exercise rarely address the underlying causes and conditions of eating disorders, no matter how mild or severe the problem. The evidence is in failed and repeated diets, exercise regimes and gym memberships. Being overweight, having an unhealthy relationship with food or being obese often has real emotional disturbances at its core.

Compulsive eating counselling and over eating counselling can really help with long term success in weight control and reduction. Call now for an appointment with a fully qualified University trained, Masters level psychotherapist. Eating disorder counselling can really work.

Binge eating counselling in Canterbury can help you gain a thorough understanding of the drives and causes of your problem, help you understand your condition and provide you with a planned solution.

If you want help with being overweight, call us and let us help you take the first steps out of your negative thinking cycle.

Binge Eating Symptoms

Don’t be embarrassed or afraid, call us right away if you want help with any of the below symptoms you may have. We will be understanding and compassionate to your need.

Do you:

  • On a regular basis, eat too much in a short period of time (less than 2 hours).
  • To comfort yourself or to ease stress, eat when you are not hungry.
  • When sad, angry, lonely, or bored, eat too much, basically when you are emotional.
  • Feel like you can't stop eating.When you binge eat faster than normal.
  • Feel painfully full because you have eaten too muchAfter you binge, feel unhappy, upset, guilty, or depressed
  • Because you feel embarrassed about how much you eat you eat alone.

You certainly don't need all of the symptoms above to have a binge eating disorder, having even a few symptoms can be a sign of a problem that would respond be helped by psychological eating disorder counselling.

Definitions of eating disorders

Bulimia

The short definition of Bulimia is an eating disorder where a person needs to engage in an unhealthy food ritual involving binging on food and then purging themselves (induced vomiting, basically throwing it up). As with Anorexia Nervosa it can and does cause serious mental and physical problems to the sufferer.

Anorexia Nervosa

A disorder that is psycho-physiological (mental/mind and body) in nature. It mostly occurs at the age of 14-26 in young women, but men and people of all ages can and be and are affected. It is characterised by severe weight loss, a fear bordering on terror of becoming obese, a completely distorted self-image (both body image and self concept) and a dangerous and persistent unwillingness to eat that can result in death.

It is often accompanied by self-induced vomiting, excessive exercise, malnutrition, amenorrhea, and other physiological changes.

Binge Eating

In a very short period of time the binger consumes large amounts of food, as with symptoms of bulimia.These episodes are frequent and uncontrolled, followed by feelings of extreme distress or disturbance both after and during a binge. However it is fundamentally different from Bulimia in that there are no regular attempts to induce vomiting, fasting or over exercising to make up for the binges.

Obesity

Obesity describes a person with a high degree of body fat and is who is very overweight. They are often misunderstood by others and feels very conscious when in public. A persons weight is assessed using a scale called the Body Mass Index (BMI).


GAMBLING ADDICTION
- when gambling costs you more than just money

If you want to Stop Gambling now, call us. Help is available. Gambling addiction and compulsive gambling are treatable conditions. Ultimately only you can know if you are an addict, others can tell you what they think, but only you can know it. Gambling addiction isolates you from everyone and all you care about.

Gambling addiction removes choice, self-belief, sex drive, intimacy, honesty, open mindedness, willingness to learn, families, houses, jobs, cars, your inheritance and the inheritance of your children, sometimes all of them go in one night. No other addiction has the capacity to be so demographically destructive so quickly. It absolutely devastates lives and families. It has the capacity to affect our loved ones and children’s futures in ways that other addictions simply cannot.

Gambling addiction is not simply a 'label' as other ill informed therapists term it. Nor is the solving of it simply a matter of changing one's 'belief' about decision making and choices or improving one's 'weak' will power. The neurological properties of gambling addiction have been likened to those of cocaine addiction and sex addiction. Indeed it is common for these three addictions to go hand in hand, common - but by no means the rule.

David Goodlad has worked with, trained and supervised some of the leading therapists in this field. His approach is pragmatic and compassionate. He operates a proven programme that will support and encourage.

Gambling addiction and compulsive gambling are treatable conditions. If you are concerned about your gambling please do this simple test:

I have gambled despite risking or losing a relationship, job, or opportunity.

I have unsuccessfully attempted to reduce my gambling.

I try to win back gambling losses with more gambling.

I have asked or wanted to ask family, friends, or another third party for financial assistance as a result of my gambling.

I have frequent thoughts about gambling experiences, whether past, future, or fantasy.

I require larger or more frequent ‘bets’ to experience the same "rush".

I am restless and/or irritable when I try to stop or reduce gambling.

I can sometimes gamble to improve how I feel or to try and escape problems.

I hide or have hid the extent my gambling by lying to family, friends, or others.

I have broken the law in order to obtain gambling money or recover gambling losses.

If you answer yes to three or more you may require professional help.

Call 01227 290 098 for an appointment, before you lose more than just money.

Internet addiction, Pornography and on-line sex problems

Effective counselling for internet addiction, on-line chat, gaming, porn, dating sites, cyber and related concerns. Our counsellors offer therapy to assist you in making real changes. Our psychotherapy treatment programmes are designed to help improve you and your circumstances, before its too late.

For many years David Goodlad has helped clients overcome their Internet pornography and on-line sex problems. Web based sex and chat room or cyber sex addiction are just some of the issues he helps them get under control. He is a recognised and qualified expert in the field of addiction.

Web based pornography is almost exclusively viewed covertly, adiction to it relies upon private viewing.

Pornography in one form or another has been around since men first drew on cave walls.

Its presence in our lives has exploded into ready availability, with the assistance of broadband internet. Private home based viewing on mobile phones, laptops, tablets etc has provided pornography addicts with the perfect covert host. However, with the huge increase in dating and casual sex sites, many people are now addicted to seeing themselves on line, not just viewing others. Facebook, dating websites, chat rooms and anonymous email accounts have opened up another outlet for fantasying, and more importantly, endlessly searching until the addict is found out.

Sex addiction and co-dependent relationships are akin in that they both represent appetites that can never be satisfied through addictive behaviour (adapted Prof F Orford).

The 'Need' of the internet sex addict

Internet addiction is about searching, not finding. The need to search online is never satisfied for an addict. Hours are simply wasted away in an uncontrolled, secret gorge. Having the problem of internet addiction and not facing the problem is at the very core of the problem.

Online, people can go anywhere, search almost anything, find out virtually anything and look at almost anybody they want. The covert copying and storing, from Facebook, of images from profiles of women known to them, becomes another secret activity. Often these men are in stable relationships whereby their partners are often completely ignorant of these activities. Online they act out in ways that are risky and totally absorbing, sometimes crossing their moral, or worse legal boundaries. They can do all this without leaving their chair or in some web based arenas such as chat or date sites they don't need to present themselves as a real person. Accountability, supervision and social consequences are missing in a virtual society.

Sex addiction draws men and women into behaviours that they genuinely have no control over. As a result of the entrenched habit there are often personal, relationship and employment issues to face on a daily basis, or in some more extreme cases legal issues ensue. If this sounds familiar, you are not alone. If this is you, we can do something about it. Call now.

Chat line or Cyber Sex addiction

For many men and women experiencing online problems the Internet is like a private night club or the place where they can find the friends or partners that they have always wanted. They don’t have to go out and find real people and have an honest relationship. They can stay in their own chair and explore endless activities. They can walk away and come right back. If online they embarrass themselves, or get people angry and then can just change their name, age and marital status and just start over. They can feel like a sex addict and be overcome with shame and remorse but have no idea how to resolve it. If you need help with sex addiction we can help.

Recognising Internet Addiction

Internet Addiction can be recognised by a cluster of symptoms.

  • Personal Neglect
  • Compulsive checking and "clicking"
  • Isolation and Avoidance from people
  • Lost Productivity
  • Depression
  • Marital Problems
  • Sexual Addiction
  • Gambling away savings
  • Internet abuse in the Workplace
  • Academic Failure
  • Anxiety if access to a computer is denied
  • Persistent need to spend excessive amount of time on the computer
  • Neglecting other duties
  • Forgoing Social Activities
  • Neglecting Family Relationships
  • Compulsive need to spend time on the computer
  • Feeling empty when not at the computer
  • Feeling irritable when not at the computer
  • Feeling depressed when not at the computer
  • Lying to other people about amount of time spent on the computer
  • Social Isolation
  • Withdrawing from other pleasurable activities

Do you experience?

  • The need to use the internet to increasing degrees to achieve the desired effect?
  • Symptoms of withdrawal when internet use is avoided, or another activity needs to be undertaken?
  • Difficulty restricting your internet use?
  • Your internet use interferes with social, occupational or recreational activities
  • Negative consequences on personal relationships as a result of the behaviour?

Are You Compulsive or Addicted To the Net?

Answering the question "Am I addicted?" is based on four questions.

  • Do you feel better when you are on-line, chatting, or exploring the Net?
  • Are you or have you been spending more and more time on-line, with varying degrees of control?
  • Are you on-line when you should being doing something else?
  • Have you tried to cut back and don’t?

You probably have a compulsion if you feel a strong need to get on-line when you should be doing other things in your life. For instance, "Are you forgetting to eat?" Or, "Are you getting up at 3 a.m. in the morning to go to the bathroom and checking your e-mail before you go back to bed?". Checking e-mail at night when no one else is up and for no reason is a compulsion. You may even have early signs of sex addiction if you feel a need to be on the Internet more and more and feel worse when you stop.

Call now if you want to do something about it.

Understanding the sex addiction process

For lasting change to take place, the entire scope of the problematic sexual behaviour should be identified in a complete, systematic and ordered manner. This should involve listing sexual addiction behaviours and examining them in terms of Common Risks, Regrets, Motivation, Consequences and Time.

Common Risks

Being in places where loss of control happened before
Being in conflict with other people
Experiencing feelings such as hostility, depression, anxiety and not knowing what to do with them.

Regrets

These are always personal, speak for themselves and all must be specified in order to protect against future recurrence. This is the key to increasing awareness over what changes can be achieved.

Motivation

The initial motivation to perform the action and what actually happened as a result

Consequences

By examining the justification and results of the problematic action, a deeper awareness of the associated consequence is caused.

Time

Not being impatient. Making ‘time’ work for any change process rather than causing time to work against it

ANGER MANAGEMENT

Anger is an automatic response to ill treatment. It is the way a person indicates he or she will not tolerate certain types of behaviour. It is a feedback mechanism in which an unpleasant stimulus is met with an unpleasant response.

Anger is part of our evolutionary equipment, an emotion related to one's psychological interpretation of having been offended, wronged or denied and a tendency to undo that by retaliation. Responses to our own anger can act like a pressure cooker; we can only apply pressure against our anger for a certain amount of time until it explodes. Anger may have physical correlates such as increased heart rate, blood pressure, and levels of adrenaline and noradrenaline. Some view anger as part of the fight or flight brain response to the perceived threat of harm. Anger becomes the predominant feeling behaviourally, cognitively, and physiologically when a person makes the conscious choice to take action to immediately stop the threatening behaviour of another outside force. The English term originally comes from the term anger of Old Norse language. Anger can have many negative physical and mental consequences.

The external expression of anger can be found in facial expressions, body language, physiological responses, and at times in public acts of aggression. Humans and animals for example make loud sounds, attempt to look physically larger, bare their teeth, and stare.The behaviours associated with anger are designed to warn aggressors to stop their threatening behaviour. Rarely does a physical altercation occur without the prior expression of anger by at least one of the participants.While most of those who experience anger explain its arousal as a result of "what has happened to them," psychologists point out that an angry person can be very well mistaken because anger causes a loss in self-monitoring capacity and objective observability.

Modern psychologists view anger as a primary, natural, and mature emotion experienced by virtually all humans at times, and as something that has functional value for survival. Anger can mobilise psychological resources for corrective action. Uncontrolled anger can, however, negatively affect personal or social well-being.

EFFECTIVE ANGER MANAGEMENT
Dealing with anger
There are numerous techniques that I employ in therapy. Below offers some tried and trusted self help views on how to help with managing anger. if you are concerned about your or some else's anger please feel able to contact me.

Helping yourself
Recognise anger signs
The heart beats faster and you breathe more quickly, preparing you for action. You might also notice other signs, such as tension in your shoulders or clenching your fists.

Count to 10
This gives you time to cool down so you can think more clearly and overcome the impulse to lash out.

Breathe slowly

We can often breathe in for up to four times longer than breathing out. This can raise our anxiety levels considerably and thus make us more prone to anger. Remember - breathe out for longer than you breathe in, and relax as you breathe out.

Managing anger in the long term
Once you're able to recognise the signs that you're getting angry and can calm yourself down, you can start looking at ways to control your anger more generally.

Exercise
Regular light exercise has long been associated with improved well being. Most forms of physical exercise can have a positive beneficial effect on our anger management.

Take care of yourself
Take time to relax regularly, and ensure that you get enough sleep. Drugs and alcohol can and often do make anger problems worse.

Try and be creative
Writing, making music, dancing or painting, arts and crafts can release tension and help reduce feelings of anger.

Talk about it
Discussing your feelings with a friend can be useful, and can help you get a different perspective on the situation.

Look at the way you think
Unhelpful ways of thinking will need re adjusting. Blaming thoughts (words we say to our selves that blame others or us), or shaming thoughts (self condemning words that we say to ourselves about others or us) can make our anger worse.

Thinking in this way (blaming and shaming) will keep you focused on whatever it is
that's making you angry. Let these thoughts go, and it will be easier to calm down.

Avoid phrases that include always, never, should, must, ought, fair, for example:

Always (for example, You always do that')

Never ('You never listen to me')

Should/shouldn't ('You should do what I want', or 'You shouldn't be on the roads')

Must/mustn't ('I must be on time', or 'I mustn't be late')

Ought/oughtn't ('People ought to get out of my way')

Its not fair

BETRAYAL
When we suffer any betrayal it often evokes five common reactions:

Strong feelings of anger, resentment, rage, fear, shame
and guilt as well as a call for vengeance, vindication, or retribution that
leads to obsession about the betrayal

Demonising or dehumanising the betrayer

Generalising the negative to others, that is thinking they are all the same, through stereotyping, prejudice and bigotry

Self-betrayal--where we no longer trust ourselves or our judgement

Suspicion, fear, control, and manipulation to protect against future betrayals

Whether your partner or lover let you down, your co-worker did the dirty on you, or your life has been shattered from some global event it is difficult to say the least to get past the pain and suffering of betrayal and build a new life based on truth and Self-trust.

There are tried and trusted ways of getting beyond this sense of entrapment. There is hope and change is possible.



POSTNATAL DEPRESSION

Postnatal Depression
is a form of clinical depression that can affect women, and less frequently men, after childbirth. Studies report prevalence rates among women from 5% to 25%, but methodological differences among the studies make the actual prevalence rate unclear.

Postnatal depression occurs in women after they have carried a child, usually in the first few months, and may last up to several months or even a year. Symptoms include sadness, fatigue, changes in sleeping and eating patterns, reduced libido, crying episodes, anxiety, and irritability. Although a number of risk factors have been identified, the causes are not well understood. Many women recover with a treatment consisting of short and long term counselling (dependent on the severity). In some cases anti depressant medication is prescribed, though often with the support and assistance of counselling.

Among men, in particular new fathers, the incidence of postnatal depression has been estimated to be between 1.2% and 25.5%.

Postnatal Depression (PND) can affect women in different ways. The symptoms can begin soon after the birth and last for months, or in severe cases can last for over a year.

The symptoms of PND usually include one or more of the following:

  • low mood for long periods of time (a week or more)
  • feeling irritable for a lot of the time
  • tearfulness
  • panic attacks or feeling trapped in your life
  • difficulty concentrating
  • lack of motivation
  • lack of interest in yourself and your new baby
  • feeling lonely
  • feeling guilty, rejected or inadequate
  • feeling overwhelmed
  • feeling unable to cope
  • difficulty sleeping and feeling constantly tired
  • physical signs of tension, such as headaches, stomach pains or blurred vision
  • lack of appetite
  • reduced sex drive

These symptoms may not necessarily mean you are depressed as some of these symptoms affect women after childbirth anyway. If in any doubt speak with your GP.

PND can interfere with your day-to-day life. You might feel unable to look after your baby, or feel too anxious to leave the house or keep in touch with friends.

Many mothers do not recognise that they have PND, and do not talk to family and friends about how they are really feeling. It is important for partners, family members and friends to recognise the signs of PND at an early stage and to seek professional advice as soon as possible.

Frightening thoughts
Some women who have PND get thoughts about harming their baby. This is quite common, affecting about half of all women with the condition. You may also have thoughts about harming or killing yourself. These thoughts do not mean you are a bad mother, and it is very rare for either mother or baby to be harmed.

However, it is vital that you see your GP if you have these or any other symptoms of PND. Treatment will benefit both your health and the healthy development of your baby, as well as your relationship with your partner, family and friends.

BEREAVEMENT

When someone close to you dies, you’ll probably experience a variety of emotions.

However much you thought you had prepared for this moment, you may feel numb and shocked. You may be deeply upset, and at the same time relieved that you can now make plans for your own future. Losing someone close to you can be one of the toughest things you have to go through in your life. Everyone copes with bereavement in different ways and there is never a right or a wrong way to go about it.

You may also feel guilty that you are thinking of yourself at this time. These are all natural and normal emotions that you may feel long after the actual bereavement itself. Coping with bereavement is a long process. If you feel you need help in coping with your feelings at this time, there are organisations that offer bereavement counselling. Ask your GP surgery or local hospice.

Symptoms of Bereavement

Physical pain - tightness in the body, breathlessness, lack of energy

Confusion, hallucinations, disbelief

Obsession with the deceased, sleeplessness, lack of appetite

A personal Journey of Bereavement

Dr Elisabeth Kübler-Ross pioneered a model for understanding grief which includes five stages; denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. These stages are also transferable to personal change and emotional upset resulting from factors other than death and dying.

Dr Ross recognised people have their own individual journey of coming to terms with death and bereavement, etc., after which there is generally an acceptance of reality, which then enables the person to cope.

Rather than explain grief itself, the model blew more explains how ‘life goes on’.

Denial

Denial is a defence mechanism and perfectly natural. It can be a conscious or unconscious refusal to accept facts, information, reality, relating to the situation concerned. Some people can become locked in this stage. "I feel fine."; "This can't be happening, not to me." Denial is usually only a temporary defence for the individual. This feeling is generally replaced with heightened awareness of possessions and individuals that will be left behind after death.

Anger

People dealing with emotional upset can be angry with themselves, and/or with others, especially those close to them. Anger can manifest in different ways. "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; '"Who is to blame?" Once in the second stage, the individual recognises that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feelings of rage and envy.

Bargaining

Traditionally the bargaining stage for people facing death can involve attempting to bargain with whatever higher power the person believes in. Bargaining rarely provides a sustainable solution, especially if it's a matter of life or death. "I'll do anything for a few more years."; "I will give my life savings if..."The third stage involves the hope that the individual can somehow postpone or delay death. Usually, the negotiation for an extended life is made with a higher power in exchange for a reformed lifestyle. Psychologically, the individual is saying, "I understand I will die, but if I could just do something to buy more time...’’

Depression

In a way it's the dress rehearsal or the practice run for the 'aftermath' although this stage means different things depending on whom it involves. It's a sort of acceptance with emotional attachment. It's natural to feel sadness and regret, fear, uncertainty, etc. It shows that the person has at least begun to accept the reality. "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I'm going to die soon so what's the point... What's the point?"; "I miss my loved one, why go on?" During the fourth stage, the dying person begins to understand the certainty of death. Because of this, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time crying and grieving. This process allows the dying person to disconnect from things of love and affection. It is not recommended to attempt to cheer up an individual who is in this stage. It is an important time for grieving that must be processed.

Acceptance

Again this stage definitely varies according to the person's situation, although broadly it is an indication that there is some emotional detachment and objectivity. People dying can enter this stage a long time before the people they leave behind, who must necessarily pass through their own individual stages of dealing with the grief. "It's going to be okay."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it." In this last stage, individuals begin to come to terms with their mortality, or that of a loved one, or other tragic event.

DEPRESSION

Depressed people may feel sad, anxious, empty, hopeless, helpless, worthless, guilty, irritable, angry, resentful or restless.

They may lose interest in activities that once were pleasurable, experience loss of appetite or overeating, or problems concentrating, remembering details or making decisions; and may contemplate or attempt self harm or suicide.

Insomnia, excessive sleeping, fatigue, loss of energy, or aches, pains or digestive problems that are resistant to treatment may be present.

If you feel very depressed it is advisable to talk it through with your doctor. Counselling can help. By examining how we think empowers us to begin to be able to change how we feel.

Sometimes just talking can help, other times something more structured is required.

If you want to change how you feel we can make explore the problem, agree a solution, make a plan and see it through.

COUPLES COUNSELLING

Relationships take time to build and in turn they can time to deteriorate.

Sometimes it appears that a single person’s difficulties, event or action has caused a breakdown or serious threat to a relationship.

This ‘single event cause’ is rarely found to be the case when explored in a safe and compassionate environment.

To resolve difficulties in a relationship there is often a good deal of reconstruction required which can seem overwhelming.

Before a relationship between individuals can begin to be understood, it is important to recognise that each person, including the counsellor, has a unique history, personality, perception and set of values of their own.

Within Couples Counselling, the Counsellor usually focuses on the relationship, rather than an individual.

David has been able to help many women and men struggling with betrayal, temptation and doubt in their relationships, both in couples and individual therapy.



Strain within a Relationship

Most relationships will get strained at some time, resulting in the relationship not functioning optimally and producing its own self- destructive reinforcing, maladaptive patterns. These patterns may be called negative interaction cycles

Within a relationship Individuals may adhere to different and unexamined value systems. Institutional and societal variables (like the social, religious, group and other collective factors) which shape a person's nature and behaviour are considered in the process of counselling and therapy.

What to do

There are many possible reasons for when things go wrong, including insecure attachment, ego, arrogance, jealousy, anger, greed, poor communication/understanding or problem solving, ill health, third parties and so on.

To target and focus the therapy on the relationship, rather than the individuals are the primary steps in couples counselling. This approach takes the attention and energy away from the blame and resentment cycle. Once this is achieved a new, positive direction can be explored.

The Role of a Couples Counsellor


The duty and function of a relationship counsellor or couple's therapist is to listen, respect, understand and facilitate better functioning between those involved. The focus should always be on the relationship, not on individuals.

The basic principles for a counsellor include:

Provide a confidential dialogue, which normalises feelings
To enable each person to be heard and to hear themselves
Provide a mirror with expertise to reflect the relationship's difficulties and the potential and direction for change
Empower the relationship to take control of its own destiny and make vital decisions
Deliver relevant and appropriate information

As well as the above, the basic principles for a couples therapist also include

To identify the repetitive, negative interaction cycle as a pattern.
To understand the source of reactive emotions that drive the pattern.
To expand and re-organise key emotional responses in the relationship.
To facilitate a shift in partners' interaction to new patterns of interaction.
To create new and positively bonding emotional events in the relationship
To foster a secure attachment between partners.

Common core principles of relationship counselling and
couple's therapy are:

Respect
Empathy
Tact
Consent
Confidentiality
Accountability
Expertise
Evidence based
Accreditation, ongoing training and supervision

Individualistic approaches to couple problems can cause harm. The counsellor or therapist encourages the participants to give their best efforts to reorienting their relationship with each other. One of the challenges here is for each person to change their own responses to their partner's behaviour. Not all couples put all of their cards on the table at first. This can take time.

QUESTIONS ABOUT THERAPY: The BACP states that:

What is therapy?
Therapy offers you a safe, confidential place to talk about your life and anything that may be confusing, painful or uncomfortable. It allows you to talk with someone who is trained to listen attentively and to help you improve things.

There are many different types of therapy available. However in general, research shows that the relationship with your therapist is more important than the method they use.

How will therapy make me feel? Therapy is a very personal process. Sometimes it is necessary to talk about painful feelings or difficult decisions, so you may go through a period of feeling worse than when you started. However, therapy should enable you to feel better in the
long-run.

If you do experience a period of feeling worse, talk to your therapist about it to ensure you get the best out of your therapy.

Will I feel better straight away? Usually it will take a number of sessions before therapy starts to make a difference. However on rare occasions, a single session may be enough.

Does it work for everybody? Therapy doesnt work for everybody. It is not a universal cure-all. Because you may be talking about very personal and often painful things, it can sometimes be difficult to keep going. Despite this, it is often worth the effort as you can be helped to work through problems.

Will I be able to have therapy that understands my cultural background? Therapists come from a wide range of backgrounds and cultures. It should be possible to find an appropriate therapist for your needs. How and where you access therapy will affect how much choice you have when selecting your therapist.

Is all therapy the same? No. There are different methods and approaches to therapy, and your chosen therapist will be able to talk to you about their particular method or approach.

What types of therapy are there? There are many different types of therapy available. However in general, research shows that the relationship with your therapist is more important than the method they use.

Your choice of type of therapy may be limited depending on where you access it. If you have a preference over the type of therapy, you may choose to seek a private therapist.

Counselling in Canterbury through David Goodlad can offer you personal time to begin to settle and resolve the difficulties you may be experiencing. David says to all his clients:'We can work it out, We can make a plan and We can see it through together'.

Maps & Directions

Canterbury, CT1 2NF
London, W1G 9PF

Type of session

Online counselling: No
Telephone counselling: No
Face to face counselling: Yes

Practical details

Sign language: No
Other languages: None

Availability

I am available most days and early evenings.

Types of client

Young people
Adults
Couples
Organisations
Employee Assistance Programme

Supervision & training

I recieved my training in supervision from John Harris at the Manchester Gestalt centre.

View supervision profile
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