"We", "you" and "me"
When do I stop being “me” and become “we” when I'm with you? Who am I when I'm with you? Who am I when I'm not with you? Do I have any choice about the nature of our togetherness? Does our togetherness necessitate the loss of my individualism? The loss of yours?
The word relationship is a synonym for connection. Being in a relationship with someone involves a degree of being “connected” with them and the nature of this connection is not prescriptive because it is created by the people involved. However, most of us are probably not at all aware of what we are creating as we are doing it. Whisked away along the honeymoon path of blissful dating and excitement at the start of a new relationship, we may well anticipate longevity with our partner and a deep, loving and fulfilling romance. So it will feel shocking and possibly disorientating months later if disturbance, dismay and disharmony begin to settle in. We may be left feeling perplexed, wondering what the hell has happened to the “we” that had seemed so gloriously good not so long before.
Through my own experience of relating and my work with couples, I believe we can lose sight of who we are as individuals and how we impact our relationships as such. By dint of our lives, we cannot help but bring various kinds of baggage into our interpersonal spaces. Perhaps we don't expect to need to understand what “me” means in the context of “we” or about our other half, as a separate “me” outside of our “we.” I believe this is very important in learning how to stay together. “Getting together” is the relatively easy part of a relationship, but working through difficulties and finding capacity to “stay” is very hard.
If you are in a troubled relationship, you may be thinking its time to “give up”, or you may feel too frightened to acknowledge your difficulties for fear of making them worse. I believe that your sense of “self” can help you and your relationship. By understanding more about how to become a happier “individual". I believe we all have the capacity to increase the quality of the relationships in our lives. The big challenge is to start with you and to leave the relationship aside for a while. Would you put out of date ingredients into a cake mix and expect a delicious result? Would you attend a business meeting in a bedraggled state and hope to win new business? I believe “we” get out what “we” put in, so I have a question for you: What are “you” putting into “you” because before you can get anywhere close to being a successful “we,” you need to make sure that “you” are “in date” and “stepping up to the mark!”
The law of attraction suggests that we draw towards us that which we come to expect, so start thinking and visualising what you want otherwise you may get what you do not want.
Related articles from our experts
- Couple relationships and microfrictions: what is it, what can be done about it?
Graeme Armstrong MBACP13th October, 2017
- Are there benefits of having an affair?
Gill Sanders: Psychotherapist and Couples Counsellor, COSRT: BACP: UKCP:11th October, 2017
- Differentiation – balancing the need for togetherness and separation
Angela Dierks, BA (Hons), MStud (Oxon), MA Integrative Counselling, MBACP (Acc)7th October, 2017
Counselling Directory is not responsible for the articles published by members. The views expressed are those of the member who wrote the article.