Sex Education: Weeding the Needing Out of You!
“I want you.”
“I need you.”
Can you tell the difference?
According to Celine Dion, “You can win in this thing called love” then she goes on to say, “love comes to those who believe it - and that’s the way it is.”
The two key words here are ‘believe” and “it’.
While not wanting to pull apart such a beautifully uplifting song with too much ungainly analysis, the aim of this article is to explore this ‘wanting’ and ‘needing’ thing a little further - in order expose what's making your life miserable and to help you turn that around.
Much as we try our utmost to attract the kind of man or woman that we really want to share our lives with, our emotions always get in the way.
Don’t get me wrong, emotions are needed. Yes, needed – not wanted. People live their lives out through emotions. Emotions guide us to what is ‘needed’ in life in order to survive. You may have heard of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs (clothing, food, shelter – all the material comforts etc.) well, there are another set of needs that take into consideration: emotions.
Emotions can have a tendency to lead us to act out in awful and embarrassing ways. When we follow our emotions, we can be deceived into thinking we are following our hearts - by being ourselves. But what we don’t see is that, we can bring about our downfall by doing so. Particularly in this fickle of all things called the ‘dating world’.
Please forgive me for this, but I’m going to make an awful lot of presumptions here. One is that if you’ve read this far, then I presume you would like to take Celine’s song to heart and win in this thing called love.
If we can be brutally honest with ourselves - about who we are and what we’re feeling - then we can perhaps begin to see that all we really need is a bit of logical common sense to help ease the emotional turmoil.
We’ve all probably been guilty of saying or giving too much to a person on a first date and then ended up totally confused when he or she didn’t call the next day, week, month … ever!
Some of the answers are available – if we take this honesty thing a bit deeper. Would you like to do that?
When you can be totally alone with your thoughts, take a moment to sit yourself down. Imagine yourself outside of yourself. Odd sensation, I know, but bear with me. From that position, take a good look at you.
When (not if, because you will be able to do it, promise) you are able to do this, you’ll be able to make an honest decision with yourself. A decision based on how you wish to bring out those feelings that churn inside.
If you are able to look at the person that is you, sitting in that chair, and take control of your own emotions you will probably see a wonderful change in your personal rating.
Now, harking back to this brutal honesty thing here, let’s look at ourselves and analyse what we’re doing that is putting people off us.
There can be many reasons but, thankfully, we can whittle them down to just three. And they are:
BITCHINESS, INSECURITY and NEEDINESS
Oddly enough, these emotions all inter-relate. Being a bitch (male or female) demonstrates your insecurities and encourages your neediness.
Let’s face it, no matter how great looking you are, there’s always going to be someone prettier, sexier, younger than you. That’s the way it is. Life is like that.
Wanna know a secret? It’s not that there are others more attractive than you are - but it’s how you deal with that knowledge, that really counts.
Do you think to yourself “It’s great to see another woman (or man) who likes to take care of themselves?” Or do you feel threatened by them? Do you keep your guard up and don’t let them near you? Do you freeze an unfriendly expression on your face when you see them?
I know lots of women who get upset when they stand near a figure of beauty.
If you find yourself worried about how you appear in comparison to this ‘icon’, bear this in mind:
The more threatened you are by her appearance, the more credibility you lend to her beauty
Being catty about the dress she’s wearing or the make-up on her face, or her hair style, or the sound of her voice, is not going to make you any prettier. Saying horrible things about her won't cancel out her attractiveness.
It’s not going to make her magically disappear.
Ugly comments only serve to make you look ugly and small-minded. Nobody appreciates that.
This kind of reaction only shows that you are threatened - and will make you look insecure.
So, if you ask: “Does my bum look big in this?”
What you are really asking is "please validate the fact that I don't feel good enough about myself."
You give the impression you are willing to accept someone else’s judgment, above your own.
Giving in to this kind of insecurity is like saying to yourself “I am a doormat – wipe your feet all over me!”
Of course, we all have insecure thoughts. Insecurity is just part of being human. The biggest secret is to not to act on them.
Let's face it, needing someone else to confirm ourselves never works. Even if they give it every time you ask for it, nothing takes away the doubt within you except yourself.
Which brings us to our next topic:
What’s your favourite meal? Mine’s a Sunday Roast. I love crispy roast potatoes covered in gravy and crunchy carrots. But how often do I have it? Certainly not everyday. It’s always reserved as a special treat.
Like the meal, the more we want something and get that urge satisfied, the more it normal it becomes.
I want my roast meal everyday. My juices are flowing just thinking about it right now. But I don't NEED it everyday. If I had it everyday, the less special it would become to me.
That’s one of the reasons why nobody wants to be needed. To be needed is tantamount to having too much of a good thing.
There is a heck of a difference between wanting somebody's company and needing that person to make you happy.
When you feel as though you need someone in order to be happy or complete - then boy are you in trouble! Whoever it is, that person is not going to appreciate having this great big stinking mess of dependency dumped in his lap. And why should he? Who on earth wants to be totally responsible for the well-being of another person? Would you?
You may very well want a partner in your life in order to be happy, but needing them is quite a different thing altogether.
A big mistake many make is needing a relationship to 'fix' them.
Another person doesn’t have the ability to do that. That’s an awfully big responsibility to heap upon them. It’s unfair to do that.
The irony is that the more you feel 'broken' and need to be 'fixed' by a relationship, the less likely you are to find a rewarding, satisfying love.
So, how can you tackle this?
I’ve learned that the human brain has a tendency to bring about what it focuses on. Here's a few pointers to keep that brain occupied!
To avoid BITCHINESS:
Praise the person’s best qualities – aloud.
You'll appear a secure, happy person who's comfortable enough with your own beauty to be generous.
To avoid INSECURITY:
Stand outside of yourself and observe that you are feeling insecure, but don't act on those emotions. How much more attractive do you feel?
Denying those thoughts the power of expression makes them - and the anxieties that come with them - dwindle away in an instant.
So, just for today, you can make one of two decisions. Either:
1. Carry on worrying about what’s on your mind and, as a result, feel awful all day, or
2. Say: "I look and feel great today.”
No one need hear you say it to yourself. But they will know you’ve said it. Your whole body language will change as a result!
You have the choice to either wallow in your insecurity and ask others for validation – or not.
Once you’ve made the decision, you will feel so much more powerful for it.
To avoid NEEDINESS:
Make sure you are alone – and say this sentence aloud:
“I DO NOT NEED A PARTNER TO MAKE ME HAPPY”
Learn to love yourself (learn, being the operative word here) and all the wonderfully odd things about you – even the aging process, which many dread, can be a beautiful experience.
You have the choice. The power is yours. No one else can, nor should they, do this for you. Go out today and try it for yourself.
As Celine says, love comes to those who believe it. And that’s the way it is.
Let me know how your world alters as a result.
Related articles from our experts
- Stay with uncomfortable feelings and they’ll go away sooner
David Darvasi MBACP21st February, 2017
- The darker side of online dating...
Angela Holt (Mindwell Therapy) PGDip, MBACP20th February, 2017
- Communication in relationships isn’t just about talking to each other
Priscilla Short. BSc, MA, MBACP, MBPsS, MAFT19th February, 2017
- Low self-esteem - you weren't born with it!
Paul Lipman - MBACP. - Depression, Anxiety, Relationships, Family ....22nd February, 2017
- Linking thinking with allowing your inner voice to speak
Mary Mcilroy London Bridge SE1, Central London, Muswell Hill N10, MBACP Reg10th February, 2017
- Why do you never feel good enough? How narcissistic parents drain self-esteem
Matt Fox - Psychosynthesis Counsellor MBACP6th February, 2017
Counselling Directory is not responsible for the articles published by members. The views expressed are those of the member who wrote the article.