Sex Education: Seventh Heaven Sex?
23rd November, 2010
"It's a pity that sex is such a dirty little word" DH Lawrence
Whether we love, like or loathe it, sex is something that we all have a hand in. We can’t escape the fact that we were created by it, came out of it, we indulge in it and it is always on our minds – for better or worse. Sex will always provide a topic of conversation between the sexes – for titillation, for entertainment, for something seriously educational and for something personally intimate. It is always on and in the mind.
Whether you are overtly public or deeply private, let’s face it, there are different types of sexuality and, if we were all the same, life would be hellishly boring … wouldn’t it?
Because we’re all so very different, there are some people out there that we simply can’t get along with – or that we dislike so strongly that we can’t fathom what it is about them that turns us off. But, there’s the other side of the coin to consider too - those that we find so adoringly attractive that we cannot keep our eyes - or hands - off them.
I aim to highlight the people who attract us, and we can’t fathom why. So I ask the question:
“what is it about a sexually alluring person that manages to ‘dampen our eyes’ with such fiery passion?”
We’ve all probably come across one or two of them, they have a magnetic quality about them that attracts anyone’s glance simply by entering a room. They have unusual charm and magnetism about them; a type of aura that isn’t obvious at first glance. We wonder about them, asking is it that they have a breezy-easy sincerity, a sturdy determination or an insightful mind? Or, is it that they, frankly, just don’t give a damned about what anyone thinks about them? Whatever it is, they simply ooze sex appeal from within their own skin.
So, where does that sex appeal originate?
It’s certainly not what the general population perceives as ‘beauty’. Because, I’ve seen small chunky women and tall skinny men (and visa versa) possess all the sexual charisma and charm needed to catch a man or woman in their net. Equally, I’ve seen pretty, attractive women and devilishly handsome men (ditto above brackets) fail dismally in their endeavours to entice the opposite sex. So from this, can we assume it’s certainly not in their looks?
Does being sexually attractive lie in having the ability to be sharp, serious, sensual, serious and silly? Is it being able to flow with the go? Is it simply knowing the who, what and why you are who you are and being happy with that?
What is a sexually alluring person all about?
In a nutshell, it appears to boil right down to one thing: confidence.
Having the persona that says to everyone:
“Nothing frightens me.”
“I’m open to anyone who wants to approach.”
“I’ll try anything once.”
Having said that, what is confidence but a self-assuredness about oneself. Or if it’s being able to deal direct with any situation (and that includes any kind of sex act) it is in knowing what you do and don’t like - and stating it without fear of the come-backs.
To me, it’s not that a sexual person has a great big appetite for sex itself, it’s more to do with the ‘pleasure principle’. It’s the fact that sexually confident people are willing to try anything once. They also appreciate anyone who is open-minded enough to want to do the same.
Some sexually confident people may come across as being vain, but in reality those who are sure of themselves, don’t need to be reassured that they’re lookin’ good. They don’t need constant comments from others or a mirror to tell them that they are better than ‘okay’. They don’t pin all their hopes onto one individual - or many. Their attitude is “so what, there’s plenty more where you came from”, and off they pop.
And though that kind of attitude may seem a little harsh to some, a sexually confident person doesn’t really care about your thoughts on that score. Because they can be entertaining and provocative when acting in this manner, they offer a fascinating glance into something that is hungered for by lots of others. They are not available for everyone, all the time, yet make everyone believe that they are special in their own unique way.
Part of being sexually alluring is about allowing others to like, love or loathe you (and others) without taking offence, without judging them and accepting that attitude with an attitude of acceptance. It is being able to simply like being yourself as well as being able to be comfortable in your skin, knowing that you are you - whatever the consequences.
A person who has sexual allure, is able to know the difference between knowing that they are enjoying themselves during the sexual act - and not. They take time over the physical aspect of it. They don’t plunge in too quickly and they don’t thrash around hastily and spurt bodily fluids everywhere without a care for where the sputnik might land. And, when they’ve reached the height of their own pleasure, they don’t turn their backs on the person they’ve taken pleasure from and doze off.
But that’s just sex. Isn’t it? That’s not the act of a confident person – without the sex?
Well, a lot of confidence stems from our bodily perceptions. When a person is confident in their own body, sex follows close behind.
He or she knows the pleasure that sharing their body can bring. To themselves and to their partner. They actually want their partner to know what deep pleasures can be gained through the simple act of touch, of taste, of scent, of breath and, of course, of sight – with the light on. And they know that any person has the potential to gain all they have experienced in the bedroom game – whether that be the whole tantric game or a quick poke in the hole.
This reminds me of a book I once read (really), that quoted the following from ‘Honore de Balzac (19th Century):
“Most men in love are like apes trying to play a violin”
Most men want to play that violin so well that it creates the most harmonious sound. In other words, a man would rather have a woman smile at him while he plunges deeper into her, than having her turn her head away disinterested after he’s been pounding away inconsiderately for the two minutes before he cums.
A man who cares for the woman he’s decided to have sex with, wants that woman to be involved. He wants to feel those legs wrap tight around his hips. He wants her to touch, to stroke, to fondle, to explore his hairy, sweaty body - as much as he wants to do the same to her. For her. With her.
Men who are confident of their bodies (and that doesn’t mean joking around), tend to be confident in their sexuality. That gives them the confidence to care for their women which means they are certainly not apes in bed.
But, that said, a woman has to have the ability to teach him the lessons of pleasuring her. She has to be able to tell him what she likes. She has to be able to guide him into those tight and oh so right spots that take her way beyond this physical plane. If she doesn’t, she’s doomed to allow him to do as he wishes until he has risen to the heights of his own ecstasy without her – and make no bones about it, he will.
That being said, no man on earth is responsible for a woman’s orgasm. A woman who knows how to make her own pleasure becomes (dare I say it) comfortable with her own sexuality. She is able to acknowledge that it is her soul that wears her body and not the other way around.
So, to answer the question posed at the beginning of this chapter: “what is it about a sexually alluring person that manages to ‘dampen our eyes’ with such fiery passion?”
If I were to venture a guess, it would be this: That truly sexual people know what they want from life and that what they are looking for is within them. There doesn’t appear to be any ‘frantic’ search for ‘Mr Right’ or ‘Miss Match’ or even a deep yearning sensation to be one with someone else. They are leisurely and meaningful and demonstrate the same attitude in their bedrooms.
People who are satisfied with their sexuality know that both masculine and feminine traits reside within both sexes and accept that as normal – knowing that men who have developed their feminine side are not afraid of showing sensitivity or love. They also understand that women who have developed their masculine traits tend not to be pressured by the world’s ills while being able to focus more on what is meaningful to them.
There’s also this self-assuredness that lies deep within them. They have the ability to love without being possessive and while they expect total freedom they are able to give it too. They seem to learn deeply from bad experiences while allowing them to float away from them - but recognise and embrace good incidents. They tend not to be ego-centred and look upon satisfying their partner’s sexual needs and desires as well as their own.
Sex seems not to be a battleground for the truly sexually confident person. No control is conditioned, no manipulation managed, no power played out, while supremacy is sacrificed. Sex becomes part of living as much as eating, drinking, sleeping and waking.
There is one other special trait of a person who is at one with their sexuality. That is ‘guiltless’. No trap is ever laid for such a natural and satisfying act. Sex is a vigorous adventure to enjoy as well as being tender, warm and gentle. A mental and physical bond between them and their chosen partner seems to exist. Sex is certainly not a dirty little word to the sexually aware person.
Wouldn’t you just love to be one of these confidently sexual people?
Related articles from our experts
- Are your basic human needs being met in your relationships?
Heather Shipley, CBT and Emotional Therapeutic Counsellor DipFETC MFETC MNCS11th June, 2017
- So when and where do we learn to have good sex?
Edmond Oreilly MA MSc BACP Senior Accred.7th November, 2016
- More than just diabetes...
Karen Parke Relationship & Sexual Therapist18th September, 2016
Counselling Directory is not responsible for the articles published by members. The views expressed are those of the member who wrote the article.