I love them but the spark's gone!
Written by listed counsellor/psychotherapist: Jill Mitev-Will BA(Hons) MBACP (registered)
4th May, 20170 Comments
I am often told by family, friends and clients that they are having problems in their relationships as they feel that their partners have become like brother/sisters. They report to not finding them attractive in the romantic sense and that they don't 'fancy' them anymore.
They report to loving their partner but feel that it's become too comfortable and that there is something missing in their life. They want excitement and fun and to experience romance and passion. Of course their question is 'what do I do about it?' do I find a 'sex no strings site', or do I make contact with an old flame that has recently emailed/text me from years ago (and many other solutions).
My experience of life from my own perspective and from listening to people's life experiences is simply 'the grass isn't greener, only different!'.
I have written an article on sex with no strings where again I work with people that have involved themselves with this fantasy only to find another set of problems from this experience which for many was just negative and actually not that exciting by the following morning!
It's at this stage in a relationship when it can become a potential break up. One starts to compare their relationship to other people's relationships, which of course is just an illusion as we simply don't know what goes on behind closed doors. Furthermore one may tell a friend of the opposite sex and may listen to their opinion and advice when they may have an invested interest in their own needs. At this stage, it is crucial to talk to someone that is neutral.
I think it's also a time when one needs to really look at the bigger picture. Can one rekindle this spark? Would this happen with anyone if they had enough stress in their lives? With young children and sleepless nights, is it a wonder one feels completely shattered and going to bed at night is about sleeping! It seems a long time ago when the sexy lingerie came out of the drawer!
During this time perhaps by 'reigning it in' rather than preparing the advert for the no strings sites is an option. Investing energy into quality time with a partner and turning off mobiles and iPads and communicating with eye contact could be a start.
I am aware people come to counselling wanting a 'quick fix' and yet the situation they find themselves in hasn't just occurred, it has been a process. There is no blame here, it perhaps was the stress of life, the job that took you away from the family, the lonely nights in a hotel room, perhaps not being well, postnatal depression and many more.
This is a time to not act on a heightened emotion, even though you may just want a 'night of fun' or just want to simply pack a case and run away. This is a time for looking at the reality of life and gaining clarity of what you really are feeling. Perhaps it's about going back to basics?
So before you decide to leave a relationship that lost its spark during the course of the years, perhaps you could look at all the positives that you may have. Giving up a home, a family and your partner could be a high price to pay...
About the author
I have a delightful room in my home that provides a safe place for one to talk through their concerns. I also practice from Norwich and Bury St Edmunds. I think you will find me warm, welcoming, non-judgemental, empathic with a quirky energetic style of working. I have a positive approach to dealing with challenges. Jill Mitev-Will BA(Hons).
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