10 Steps to Help You Move on from a Relationship
Written by listed counsellor/psychotherapist: Kate M James, Psychotherapist (MBACP), BSc, MNCH (R), BWRT®
4th November, 20130 Comments
1) The Dating Process.
Once you’ve decided you would like to venture out into the world of dating again and you feel sufficiently healed (yet are not doing it for reasons of loneliness or getting back at an ex to make them jealous) try to remember this is a process. The first person you meet for a second time isn’t necessarily going to feel what you feel. And even then, men may wish to rush things towards the bedroom but you may not feel ready. Say NO until you feel completely comfortable that this is something you want, realising also that if you do take things to the bedroom, men and women think VERY differently about the outcome. When my mother said “no sex before marriage” I now realise what she meant!
2) Don’t be too available to your new friend.
Continue engaging in the activities that give you pleasure as he will be doing too. This makes you both fun and engaging people to be around and gives you something to talk about. By all means be available so that you can meet again but be careful not to run your life around them. This makes you appear needy and is not an attractive quality in a mate.
3) When your new friend does something that really makes you happy, tell them.
Also let them know what makes you happy and if they do it for you, express your pleasure. If you want tips on “love language”, check out the 5 love languages quiz, which you can easily find online if you Google search.
4) Watch out for behaviour that you don’t like.
Ignore it to start with (and lessen the contact) as a subtle sign that you are not happy. If the behaviour continues then express disappointment rather than engaging in a full scale row “how could you do this to me” when they probably aren’t even aware of your displeasure.
5) Men love to chase, feel needed and want to please.
If you learn the subtle interchanges between men and women this will pay dividends with your intended. Women love to feel nurtured but not overlooked; many women can do traditionally male jobs these days because often – especially as a single parent, for example – they’ve had to. Learning to rediscover inter-dependent relationships is hard for both parties.
6) Gender differences. [N.B. disclaimer: these are generalisations and vary from person to person!]
For men – they need to have sex to feel connected; however it doesn’t necessarily follow that they are in love. For women – they need to feel connected to have sex – which may or may not follow that they are in love but they may well be closer than men. So women – it really is YOUR call whether you have sex or not. If you feel truly connected and are not doing it out of fear that you will lose your man, then go ahead. But bear in mind the [generalised!] gender differences.
7) More gender differences [N.B. disclaimer: these are generalisations as before!]
For men, the primary needs of importance go in this order: Status, Identity, Security. This means a primary need is to have status – usually and most often at work but also in the home. Security is the lowest priority. For women, Security, Identity and Status is the order. They would happily give up certain things in order to gain security in their lives. So if you look above at number 6, you will note that sex is indeed a weapon between the sexes. It ties in neatly to the rest of the gender differences. Don’t give in TOO SOON unless you are completely secure in how you are together.
If he treats you badly, do you beg him to change? Do you feel you do not deserve any better? I have news for you. You do deserve better. Ask that he / she changes their behaviour, express your disappointment. If there is still no change, move on!
9) Does he /she cherish you?
How do you feel when you are together? What is your feeling when you are apart? It is often the feeling when you are apart that is of most interest as that will determine the relationship outcome. Make a note of how you really feel, in your heart.
10) If you want a new relationship, make the space in your house, heart and day for one - but not to the exclusion of everything else.
Keep all things in perspective yet make the time. Clear out a cupboard, clear out a bedside table, keep two towels handy. Note where your relationship corner is in the house (south east) and put two ornaments or a love symbol there. Make a list of the ideal characteristics in a mate and make a mental note as to what you bring to a relationship.
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- How unrealistic expectations can ruin a relationship
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